(CAUTION: THERE ARE SOME SWEAR WORDS IN THIS POST. SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ)
It's time for Ben and 21 ladies, who managed to survive last week's first cut, to take the next step toward the Final Rose! What number of these girls were once Psychology majors, at some point during their enrollment, in college? I am putting the over/under at 17. It would only make sense. Girls major in Psychology for two reasons: either to get their Masters or to figure out their own problems. The pinnacle of this phenomenon is when you find a girl who is actually crazy and is getting her actual Masters in Psychology. I dated one of these once. It was the strangest 15 months of my life. To put it into perspective, it is like dating Lace times a hundred for twenty four hours, seven days a week. Moving on...
ABC has some serious balls making this show two hours. Do people really watch two hours of this? I checked the guide for next week, too. IT'S TWO HOURS ALSO! Enough with the length of the show, let's get into the depth. Will any of my original favorites (Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, or Olivia) make the cut, is Lace as much of a psychotic, fucking drunk that last Monday portrayed her to be, why is Mandi the Peculiar Dentist, Tiarra the Chicken Enthusiast, or Maegan the Cowgirl on this show still?
I am going to stick to what I intended to do. Find Ben love. So, ABC, as much as you try to irritate me with your two hour farce, I am loyal to Ben and this blog.
All right, Ben, let's separate the bride to be from the wannabes.
Show starts off with confessionals from Leah and the Twins and already I am annoyed. I am going to give Leah a pass for the hiking the ball first impression thing. I will not budge on disliking the Twins. But wait, Lace admits that the first night she may have gotten a little drunk and emotional. The first step, Lace, is admitting you have a problem. The real problem, Lace, is that you sound hungover and can't stop talking about wanting to make out with Ben.
GROUP DATE!!!
9:59: So 10 chicks are fighting to be Ben's Homecoming Queen at Bachelor High. They break up into teams of 2. They teams will be eliminated after each "class".
SCIENCE CLASS
"The first four teams to make Ben's volcano explode move on," Host Chris says. I get it. The volcano symbolizes Ben's penis. Jubilee and Lace are out. Jubilee better sleep with one eye open tonight.
LUNCH CLASS
Now we are bobbing for apples and making comments about who has a big mouth or who can use it well.
GEOGRAPHY
These idiots don't know where Indiana belongs on a map.
GYM CLASS
Time for basketball. This is worse than watching a 6th grade gym class awkwardly trying to square dance. Mandi and Amber win a free throw contest
There can only be one winner and they are going to settle it on the track. Mandi and Amber have to run a knee high hurdle race to win the contest. Mandi runs barefoot. Of course she does. "Mandi absolutely dominated this race," says Ben. Mandi is the Bachelor High Homecoming Queen. Barf.
I seriously rewound the Bachelor High portion of the show 4 times to find it's relevance. I still can't. The only REAL relevance I can find is if it was to fill up a two hour show.
20:03: Back from commercial for the rest of the group date. Becca strikes first to grab Ben. Lace is still talking about being not being crazy.
Becca can straight up ball. I think she could take Ben in a game of "HORSE". Becca is going to go far in this show.
22:36: Ben goes in for a kiss with Jennifer and totally lands it. Jennifer is very excited about it. So excited that she forgot to lie to Lace when Lace asked, "Did you kiss?" Now Jubilee is safe from the wrath of Lace and Jennifer is #1 on Lace's "PEOPLE TO MURDER TODAY" list.
23:50: Back at the Bachelor Mansion. The girls are super excited for a date card. Especially, Olivia. Not because she may have special date with Ben but because she heard she was a finalist to be cast as Janice in the live action Muppets movie based on "Dr. Tooth and The Electric Mayhem".
25:24: Lace asks for some alone time with Ben. My heart is pounding. This girl is nuts. She is delusional. I think she is more sane when she is drunk. Lace says, "We are just making eye contact galore. I mean we are almost eye bleeped (fucking)!" Jubilee interrupts the couple. Jubilee leaps to the top of Lace's murder list.
34:00: Lace has a drink in her hand, thank goodness, and asks for another minute with Ben by saying, "Im not crazy. I just need one more minute." The group is turning on Lace.
36:18: Ben takes JoJo to Heli-Pad and discloses, "This is my special location." In translation: "This is the furthest spot away from Lace and I am pretty sure she does not know where it is. If she does, let's pray together that she has a fear of heights."
38:20: JoJo gets the Special Rose (no clue what this is really called) and becomes #2 on Lace's murder list.
34:37: Caila is the recipient of the the first one on one date with Ben. In walks Chris with a special announcement. Chris called in a couple of friends (Sure. Chris totally hangs with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart) to go on the date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2". In case you are wondering why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" are here, their movie premieres this week. I am sure ABC has some money in the studio producing the film.
This date is a prime example of why these relationships don't work after filming. Let's fast forward 7 months and say Caila wins the Final Rose. Anytime time Ben will suggest Olive Garden for dinner, Caila will remind him about their first date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" and say, "What happened to us? We used to be so fun. Remember when we totally kicked it with Kev and Cube? Text them. See what they are doing tonight."
Did I mention that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were in "Ride Along 2" and premiering this Friday? Felt like I needed to because ABC only did it 13 times and 13 is unlucky.
61:19: I don't know who Amos Lee is. Apparently, Ben LOVES him.
GROUP DATE #2 SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS
69:24: "I don't know much about science." "I'm not very smart." -Twins.
71:12: Smell test. Ben says Samantha smells sour. Doctor compares her to Chinese food. Passing the bar might be easier than battling back from this scientific smell assessment.
76:21: Olivia scored 7.45 from the experiments. I really like her confessionals. She is confident and funny.
83:49: "I am one lucky man," declares Ben. The one on one montage is fantastic. I like Ben. I want to go bowling with him.
Now he is so cool about Amanda's kiddos (his words, not mine). He is the best. Whoever the chick is that didn't pick him in "The Bachelorette" does not deserve happiness.
Olivia gets The Group Date Rose (thanks Olivia for naming it for me).
98:23: COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY
"So now I'm done. Now everybody have at it and I hope that you can respect that," says Olivia confidently. I really, really like her confidence. It makes me laugh.
"It's the unstoppable force versus the immovable object!" Lace takes Olivia aside to talk to her. As usual, Lace makes no sense and Olivia gives no fucks.
Now Lace is pouring her heart out to Ben about being awkward at the age of 13. As if nobody was ever awkward at the age of 13. I hope they give her more Chardonnay. Please, please give her more Chardonnay for the Rose Ceremony!
Back from commercial, Ben gives Lauren the flight attendant a special gift. My initial Top 3 are looking good.
Amanda says she didn't know how to react when Ben said he wanted to make berets with Amanda for her daughters. Her non-verbal reaction was to jump his bones.
After commercial break, is Rose Ceremony. Going to do my best to follow along.
Amanda is first
Jubilee is next
Lauren B the flight attendant is next (YES)
Leah will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?
Rachel. Who? Was she in this episode?
Lace. What the fuck? Did the producers make him pick her?
L.B. will you accept this rose? **DRAMA** L.B. is pulling out of the competition. I am hoping LC from "The Hills" takes her place.
Jennifer will you accept this rose?
Emily will you accept this rose?
Jamie will you accept this rose?
Lauren H. will you accept this rose?
Sushanna will you accept this rose?
Hailey will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE...
Amber will you accept this rose?
Smelly Samantha and Peculiar Mandi are out. I guess the Chicken Girl and the Miniature Pony Girl got cut last week but they didn't show it. The editing is hard to follow on this show.
So they Twins and Lace are still in The Bachelor Mansion. My initial Top 3 are still looking good. Becca is creeping up into the mix. I am hoping to finally get one of these blogs done on an actual Monday next week.
Thanks for reading. See you next week!
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