"THE BACHELOR" 1/18/16: EPISODE 3

It is another "The Bachelor" Monday!  We may be starting the show late but we are going to watch it on an actual Monday.  Bedtimes and earaches have postponed our original viewing time.

I've been thinking a lot about the "Race to the Final Rose" this week.  The producers are putting together a good story.  All good stories have a protagonist and an antagonist.  THIS story is so good we have multiples of each.  Caila, Becca, and Lauren the flight attendant are the early protagonists.  Lace and Olivia are the early antagonists.  

Our antagonists are very different.  I put some thought into how to explain both Lace and Olivia to the masses.  Every time I thought about it, my examples and/or references went to professional wrestling (I'm not going to lie, I probably compare 65% of things in life to professional wrestling, so this is not a stretch).

Olivia is very confident that she will be the next Mrs. Higgins.  Her conversations with other potential wives are one sided and her narcissistic confessionals are fantastic.  In the wrestling world, confessionals are known as "promos" and nobody cuts a promo better than "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.  Olivia is "The Bachelor"'s Ric Flair.  She tells everyone she is the best and there is little any of the other chicks can do to change that.  Here is one of many classic Flair promos:

Lace is unpredictable, mean spirited, selfish, scary, and might be under the influence 90% of the time.  Same could be said of "The Macho Man" Randy Savage.  He would seem like a good champion and then something would snap and he would be considered reckless, toxic, and able to put you in harm's way.  This is how I see Lace.  In this youtube video where Savage attacks Hulk Hogan, there can be comparison's to Lace.  Hulk Hogan is Jubilee, a possible ally (they've been friendly) but more of a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".  Miss Elizabeth represents The Rose- something they both have a mutual interest in the well being of but not the main prize.  The championship belt represents Ben Higgins- the ultimate goal.  I can totally see Lace say to Jubilee, "You've got jealous eyes!"

I have 99% of conversation about "The Bachelor" with females.  Probably the same is true via text messages (until tonight) and social media.  Maybe girls could use "The Bachelor 2016 Antagonist Analogy" to get the special man in their life to watch the show with them.

Or they could just talk about this blog until your guy friend gives in and watches the show.  This is the case of what happened to my buddy, Dusty Driever, whose wife reads the blog.

Anyway, it is time to start the show and bring on the crazy.  I am hoping Ben continues to drop Laurens because there are way too many girls named Lauren on this show.  Recap from last week: the early frontrunners, in my opinion, is Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, Olivia, and Becca.

1:44:  The girls are talking about Olivia and how she is a "mean girl".  Chris the Host drops that there will be 3 dates this week- 2 one on ones and 1 group date.

Lauren B, formerly known as Lauren the flight attendant because LB self eliminated last week, gets the first one on one invite.  "What do you think we are doing today?" Ben asks.  I so wanted Lauren B to reply, "Hang out with Robert DeNiro and Zach Efron because their movie "Dirty Grandpa" premieres this week," but she didn't.

8:13:  Ben is taking Lauren B on a bi-plane for their date.  I have to show you a text I received from my friend, Marc Van Severan.  The text makes so much sense.  Also, I didn't know he watched the show.  I am glad that I can talk to him about this show now.

So Lauren B and Ben are up in this plane.  If you remember an earlier blog, Tifani is not a Lauren B fan.  She does say this while they are up in the air.

"She should give him a hand job."
I laugh, "I like where your head is but why?"
"Then he will never forget her," she replied.  

Very true.  I've got one of the best co-pilots on this Ben Higgins one way viewing flight to love.

13:23:  Ben and Lauren B walk to a remote location to a hot tub.  I'm not even thinking about how the hot tub got into the middle of nowhere, I'm actually thinking about how many steps they would have gotten on their FitBits and how many steps were wasted on the piggy back ride to the hot tub.

14:25:  Ben totally wants to bang Lauren B in the hot tub.

16:21:  Back at "The Bachelor" Mansion.  Caila and JoJo are talking Caila starts crying about her insecurities of this reality dating game show.  Tifani says, "They do know that they are opening up to their competition, right?  They are totally showing their weaknesses."  She would be hard core on this show.

21:59:  Lauren H is describing her family and it is exactly how Ben described his own family in the season premiere.  Tif, not happily, calls her shot, "Mark my words.  This girl is going to win."  Then she adds, "If she doesn't, she will be the next "The Bachelorette".  So she will be in the final three."

23:12:  Group date card is here.  Something like 10 or 12 girls get invited.  Jubilee, Becca, Caila, and JoJo are not invited.

26:27:  Ben gives Lauren B a rose and she is safe until the next round.  Ben asks her to follow him to another surprise.  IT'S THE DIXIE CHICKS!!!!  Nope.  It's Lucy Angel.  My bad.  I'm pretty sure they are the opening band for Amos Lee because I have never heard of them, either.

32:45:  GROUP DATE TIME
The girls are going to play soccer at Memorial Coliseum.  But first they have to practice with 2 girls from the World Cup winning USWNT, because, you know, soccer is so hard to understand.  I mean every community in the United States has a 4 and under youth soccer league but these grown adults need to learn how to play soccer.

Host Chris shows up at soccer field wearing a number 35 soccer jersey.  The number 35 is significant because it represents the number of jobs he had been fired from and canceled television pilots he was on before he landed this gig.  He gives them the game stipulations.  They will be broken into two teams: Team Sluts and Team Strippers.  Wait.  I heard that wrong.  It's Team Stars and Team Stripes.  The team that wins gets some alone time with Ben.  The other girls go home.

Why do they do these athletic contest?  It's painful to watch.  I'd rather watch those 4 and under youth games.

Team Stars scores first.  Lace is the goalie.  She says, "I didn't know you could pick up the ball, so I just let them score."  I am sure the rest of the quote followed with, "I usually just use my hands to hold my chardonnay," it just didn't make final edit.

In OT, Team Stripes wins the cup and the special time with Ben.  Thank goodness it is over.

54:00:  Time for the special date with just the six girls from the winning team.  Olivia steals Ben and takes him to a hotel room. She talks about how the other girls find her intimidating.  While she does that, the girls trash Olivia's toes and her breath.  Just mean.

55:59:  Jami tattles on the other girls to Olivia about what they were saying.  "Perfection is so lame," says Olivia.

56:17:  Date card.  Tensions are high over being hopeful to get the date card.  Jubilee waaaaay overreacts to getting picked for "Love Is In The Air".

57:41:  The winners from the soccer game are each getting their one on one time with Ben.  Amber's confessional makes her seem nervous.  Her experience gives her fears merit.  She gets time with Ben and goes in for a kiss.  Seemed like a latch ditch effort.  This kiss was Amber's "Hail Mary".

59:36:  HOLY SHIT!  The kiss from Amber paid off.  Ben offered her a rose.  Amber is the Aaron Rodgers of "The Bachelor".  Nice work.  Well executed.  Have to mention Olivia trying to take Amber's moment and making it about her because Ben used her knee to push off the couch.

1:04:07:  One on one date with Jubilee.  Jubilee talks about how she can be socially awkward.  She make comments about him being 20 minutes late and the other girls are very defensive of Ben.  Jami calls her "Awko-taco".

Ben calmly drops, "I think our ride is here," when a helicopter can be heard.  Jubilee is afraid of heights and says, "Does anyone else want to go on my date?"  Majority of the house thinks she is very, very unappreciative.

1:08:32:  After the helicopter ride, they go to a spa.  They are feeding each other caviar.  Ben asks, "Is it good?"  Jubilee does not think it is appetizing.  This girl lived on MREs in the military but caviar is not going to cut it with her.  Only hotdogs.  Jubilee says she is obsessed with hotdogs.

1:11:06:  Jubilee talks about a "white boy" reference she made and was worried about his reaction.  Ben says not to worry, "I ain't that white, I got some..."  Jubilee says, "So I've heard."  This is is second reference to Ben's dong.  In the season premiere, Jami talked about it at their limo introduction.  So if you are paying attention, the girl on "The Bachelorette" spilled the beans that Ben has a big dog in his pants.  Remember, Jubilee LOVES hotdogs.

1:21:53:  I would say this date with Jubilee went very well for her.  Ben really likes the person that she is.  She does have layers, which Ben refers, to her.  I don't think she relates to the girls in the house very well but one on one she can talk to Ben.  Ben gives her a rose.

1:27:03:  Next day back at the mansion.  Many girls are shocked that Jubilee is still there.  Lauren H talks about how insane it is that Jubilee is still there and immediately I think Lauren H was the white chick at the beginning of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" video.

1:29:27:  Cocktail hour before Rose Ceremony.  Ben shares news of people close to him losing their lives in a plane crash.  Even is personal hardship, Ben can deliver news with class.

Olivia grabs Ben.  Not to console him but to talk about being strong when people talk about her looks from waist down.  This was really bad for Olivia.   If you read the text from Marc that I received you will notice that he is empathetic of my time but he wanted to reach out and make a point.  Olivia lacks this quality.  Marc would have gotten a rose tonight.

The rest of the girls seem to want to make him happy.  You know who they don't want to be happy, however?  Jubilee.

1:32:48:  Jubilee takes matter into her own hands (no pun intended) and grab Ben to give him a massage.  Ben was very receptive and happy she did so.  The other girls, Lace most importantly, are pissed and this move.

1:40:48:  Amber tries to grab Jubilee to talk about the "elephant in the room".  It's really uncalled for. Jubilee retreats to a bathroom.  Ben, like a white knight, comes to rescue Jubilee and give her reassurance about how much he likes her in the mansion and how he doesn't want to see her hurt.

1:44:37:  Lace asks to talk to Ben!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Finally!  Commercial.  Ugh.  Lace is emotional.  She says she needs to work on herself.  She quotes her tattoo.  She is self eliminating!!!! THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  LACE SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND KNEW SHE WAS GOING HOME.  INSTEAD OF GETTING SNUBBED AT THE ROSE CEREMONY SHE CHOSE TO GO OUT LIKE THIS. 


1:52:25:  ROSE CEREMONY

Lauren H will you accept this rose?
Amanda will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?  YES!
Hailey will you accept this rose? blah
Emily will you accept this rose? blah #twinning
Rachel will you accept this rose?
Caila will you accept this rose?  YES!
JoJo will you accept this rose?
Jennifer will you accept this rose?
Leah will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE... dum, dum, dummmmmmm..

Olivia will you accept this rose?  YES!

Jami and Sushanna are out.

Olivia gives yet another dumb speech about a touch and non-verbal interaction between Ben and herself.

So, the initial top 3 are still there.  I will rank them now.  Before, it was in no special order.  Here is the Top 3:
1.  Lauren B
2. Caila
3. Olivia
Outside looking in: Becca and JoJo (edit credit to Ben Valdez)
Biggest jump this episode: Jubilee

I will be out of town next week for "The Bachelor".  Flirting with having a guest blogger write next week's blog.

Thanks for reading.

To Ben!  Cheers!

"THE BACHELOR" 01/11/2016: EPISODE 2

I chose to watch the CFP National Championship last night instead of watching The Bachelor.  I know, I know.  If one of these chicks showed that lack of commitment to Ben, I would be angry as all Hell.  So it's Tuesday and I am watching The Bachelor.  Another two hour long The Bachelor.

(CAUTION: THERE ARE SOME SWEAR WORDS IN THIS POST.  SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ) 

It's time for Ben and 21 ladies, who managed to survive last week's first cut, to take the next step toward the Final Rose!  What number of these girls were once Psychology majors, at some point during their enrollment, in college?  I am putting the over/under at 17.   It would only make sense.  Girls major in Psychology for two reasons: either to get their Masters or to figure out their own problems.  The pinnacle of this phenomenon is when you find a girl who is actually crazy and is getting her actual Masters in Psychology.  I dated one of these once.  It was the strangest 15 months of my life.  To put it into perspective, it is like dating Lace times a hundred for twenty four hours, seven days a week.  Moving on...

ABC has some serious balls making this show two hours.  Do people really watch two hours of this?  I checked the guide for next week, too.  IT'S TWO HOURS ALSO!  Enough with the length of the show, let's get into the depth.  Will any of my original favorites (Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, or Olivia) make the cut, is Lace as much of a psychotic, fucking drunk that last Monday portrayed her to be, why is Mandi the Peculiar Dentist, Tiarra the Chicken Enthusiast, or Maegan the Cowgirl on this show still?

I am going to stick to what I intended to do.  Find Ben love.  So, ABC, as much as you try to irritate me with your two hour farce, I am loyal to Ben and this blog.

All right, Ben, let's separate the bride to be from the wannabes.

Show starts off with confessionals from Leah and the Twins and already I am annoyed.  I am going to give Leah a pass for the hiking the ball first impression thing.  I will not budge on disliking the Twins.  But wait, Lace admits that the first night she may have gotten a little drunk and emotional.  The first step, Lace, is admitting you have a problem.  The real problem, Lace, is that you sound hungover and can't stop talking about wanting to make out with Ben.

GROUP DATE!!!

9:59:  So 10 chicks are fighting to be Ben's Homecoming Queen at Bachelor High.  They break up into teams of 2.  They teams will be eliminated after each "class".

SCIENCE CLASS
"The first four teams to make Ben's volcano explode move on," Host Chris says.  I get it.  The volcano symbolizes Ben's penis.  Jubilee and Lace are out.  Jubilee better sleep with one eye open tonight.

LUNCH CLASS
Now we are bobbing for apples and making comments about who has a big mouth or who can use it well.

GEOGRAPHY
These idiots don't know where Indiana belongs on a map.

GYM CLASS
Time for basketball.  This is worse than watching a 6th grade gym class awkwardly trying to square dance.  Mandi and Amber win a free throw contest

There can only be one winner and they are going to settle it on the track.  Mandi and Amber have to run a knee high hurdle race to win the contest.  Mandi runs barefoot.  Of course she does.  "Mandi absolutely dominated this race," says Ben.  Mandi is the Bachelor High Homecoming Queen.   Barf.

I seriously rewound the Bachelor High portion of the show 4 times to find it's relevance.  I still can't.  The only REAL relevance I can find is if it was to fill up a two hour show.

20:03:  Back from commercial for the rest of the group date.  Becca strikes first to grab Ben.  Lace is still talking about being not being crazy.

Becca can straight up ball.  I think she could take Ben in a game of "HORSE".  Becca is going to go far in this show.

22:36: Ben goes in for a kiss with Jennifer and totally lands it.  Jennifer is very excited about it.  So excited that she forgot to lie to Lace when Lace asked, "Did you kiss?"  Now Jubilee is safe from the wrath of Lace and Jennifer is #1 on Lace's "PEOPLE TO MURDER TODAY" list.

23:50: Back at the Bachelor Mansion.  The girls are super excited for a date card.  Especially, Olivia. Not because she may have special date with Ben but because she heard she was a finalist to be cast as Janice in the live action Muppets movie based on "Dr. Tooth and The Electric Mayhem".

25:24: Lace asks for some alone time with Ben.  My heart is pounding.  This girl is nuts.  She is delusional.  I think she is more sane when she is drunk.   Lace says, "We are just making eye contact galore.  I mean we are almost eye bleeped (fucking)!"  Jubilee interrupts the couple.  Jubilee leaps to the top of Lace's murder list.

34:00:  Lace has a drink in her hand, thank goodness, and asks for another minute with Ben by saying, "Im not crazy.  I just need one more minute."  The group is turning on Lace.

36:18:  Ben takes JoJo to Heli-Pad and discloses, "This is my special location."  In translation: "This is the furthest spot away from Lace and I am pretty sure she does not know where it is.  If she does, let's pray together that she has a fear of heights."

38:20:  JoJo gets the Special Rose (no clue what this is really called) and becomes #2 on Lace's murder list.

34:37:  Caila is the recipient of the the first one on one date with Ben.  In walks Chris with a special announcement.  Chris called in a couple of friends (Sure.  Chris totally hangs with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart) to go on the date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2".  In case you are wondering why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" are here, their movie premieres this week.  I am sure ABC has some money in the studio producing the film.

This date is a prime example of why these relationships don't work after filming.  Let's fast forward 7 months and say Caila wins the Final Rose.  Anytime time Ben will suggest Olive Garden for dinner, Caila will remind him about their first date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" and say, "What happened to us?  We used to be so fun.  Remember when we totally kicked it with Kev and Cube?  Text them.  See what they are doing tonight."

Did I mention that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were in "Ride Along 2" and premiering this Friday?  Felt like I needed to because ABC only did it 13 times and 13 is unlucky.

61:19:  I don't know who Amos Lee is.  Apparently, Ben LOVES him.

GROUP DATE #2 SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS

69:24:  "I don't know much about science." "I'm not very smart." -Twins.

71:12:  Smell test.  Ben says Samantha smells sour.  Doctor compares her to Chinese food.  Passing the bar might be easier than battling back from this scientific smell assessment.

76:21:  Olivia scored 7.45 from the experiments.  I really like her confessionals.  She is confident and funny.

83:49:  "I am one lucky man," declares Ben.  The one on one montage is fantastic.  I like Ben.  I want to go bowling with him.

Now he is so cool about Amanda's kiddos (his words, not mine).  He is the best.  Whoever the chick is that didn't pick him in "The Bachelorette" does not deserve happiness.

Olivia gets The Group Date Rose (thanks Olivia for naming it for me).

98:23:  COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY

"So now I'm done.  Now everybody have at it and I hope that you can respect that," says Olivia confidently.  I really, really like her confidence.  It makes me laugh.

"It's the unstoppable force versus the immovable object!" Lace takes Olivia aside to talk to her.  As usual, Lace makes no sense and Olivia gives no fucks.

Now Lace is pouring her heart out to Ben about being awkward at the age of 13.  As if nobody was ever awkward at the age of 13.  I hope they give her more Chardonnay.  Please, please give her more Chardonnay for the Rose Ceremony!

Back from commercial, Ben gives Lauren the flight attendant a special gift.  My initial Top 3 are looking good.

Amanda says she didn't know how to react when Ben said he wanted to make berets with Amanda for her daughters.  Her non-verbal reaction was to jump his bones.

After commercial break, is Rose Ceremony.  Going to do my best to follow along.

Amanda is first
Jubilee is next
Lauren B the flight attendant is next (YES)
Leah will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?
Rachel.  Who?  Was she in this episode?
Lace.  What the fuck?  Did the producers make him pick her?
L.B. will you accept this rose? **DRAMA**  L.B. is pulling out of the competition.  I am hoping LC from "The Hills" takes her place.
Jennifer will you accept this rose?
Emily will you accept this rose?
Jamie will you accept this rose?
Lauren H. will you accept this rose?
Sushanna will you accept this rose?
Hailey will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE...
Amber will you accept this rose?

Smelly Samantha and Peculiar Mandi are out.  I guess the Chicken Girl and the Miniature Pony Girl got cut last week but they didn't show it.  The editing is hard to follow on this show.

So they Twins and Lace are still in The Bachelor Mansion.  My initial Top 3 are still looking good.  Becca is creeping up into the mix.  I am hoping to finally get one of these blogs done on an actual Monday next week.

Thanks for reading.  See you next week!

"THE BACHELOR" 01/04/2016: SEASON PREMIERE

I didn't realize that Tifani watched the season premiere of "The Bachelor" already when I posted we were going to watch it together.  This is not an uncommon thing when we watch shows together, sometimes she forges on to an episode without me.  Heaven forbid I do the same.  She is going to be a trooper, though, and watch it again with me.  Here we go!

2:17:  Meet Ben Higgins! He is just a regular guy from Indiana who shoots hoops on a barn like Jimmy Chitwood from "Hoosiers".  Nice stereotype, ABC!

3:36:  Elementary and high school shots, movie theaters, and Grand Marshal of high school homecoming parade.  "Isn't this incredible!"  Ben is kind of a tool.

6:00:  Time to meet Mr. & Mrs. Higgins.  I like them.  They have been married 30 plus years and are great role models for Ben.  Notice that they don't live on a farm but on a lake.

First commercial break: DEAR LORD HE IS ALREADY IN McDONALD'S COMMERCIAL? HE GETS TO DATE 25 GIRLS AND GETS A COMMERCIAL! Note that The Hopper did not jump over this commercial.

11:40:  Time to meet "The Bachelor" alum and totally bro out. A lot of nodding when another bro talks.

Next commercial break.  Preview of twins and some chicks from previous "The Bachelor".  Also, ABC spoils that there might be drama.

19:55:  Time to meet the women hoping to marry Ben!

Lauren, 25.  Flight attendant.  Beach girl.  Cute.  Tif doesn't like her face.

Caila, 24.  Software sales rep.  Dumped her boyfriend because she had butterflies for Ben when she saw him on TV.  Might be crazy.  Nice smile.

Jubilee, 24.  War veteran.  Seems intimidating.  I feel like she could break the military female perception.

Mandi, 28.  Dentist.  Embraces the weird.  I am not a fan.

"I'm Emily!"  "And I'm Hailey!" *in unison "And we're twins!"  Ugh.  "I'm Jay. And I hate you both.  Equally!"

Amanda, 25.  Estihetician.  2 daughters.  Divorced.  Seems nice.

Tierra, 27.  Chicken enthusiast.  Nope.  She's gone.  Hopefully Ben sends her home right away so she isn't away from her chickens for more than 10 days.

Samantha, 26.  Recent law school grad.  Nothing jumps out for Samantha.  Sad ALS story, though.  Tifani does not care for Samantha.

Back from last commercial.  Ben is going to meet these women.  Heart to heart with the host.  Neither Tif nor I know who this guy is.  Ben goes in for a hug.  Ben is growing on me.  I don't think he is a tool anymore.

LIMO TIME:

Lauren the flight attendant is out.  Ben says, "That's a great start."

Caila comes out and jumps in his arms.  Caila is an early favorite.

New girl, Jennifer, 25.  Small business owner.  Forgets to tell Ben her name.

Jami, Bartender, 23.  From Canada.  Name drops Katelynn.  I assume thats the girl who broke Ben's heart.

Sam comes out and tells him she just passed the bar.  Drops an awful "Boxer or legal briefs?" pickup line.  Who writes this?

Jubilee comes out.  Ben says, "Like that dress!" After stumbling over pickup lines she tells him an awful one about the dress.  Can't they stop at, "Hi! Nice to meet you?"

Amanda just says "Nice to meet you." Thank you.

New girl comes out.  Lace, 25.  Real Estate Agent.  Goes in and gets first kiss.

New girl.  Lauren, 26.  Math teacher.  Stalks Ben on social media.  RED FLAG!  And she forgets to tell Ben her name.

New girl.  Shushanna, 27.  Mathematician.  Speaks to Ben in Russian.  I think this is a great first impression.

New girl.  Leah, 25.  Event planner.  What!?  What is going on?  Did she just bend over in a gown and hike a football at him?  "I knew you were a catch"????  Just throw him the football.  RED FLAG.

Tif and I both groan as a unicorn head comes out of the limo.  New girl.  JoJo, 24.  Real Estate Developer.  RED FLAG.

Lauren H., 25.  Kindergarten Teacher.  Brings Ben dead flowers from a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  Ben is too patient with these people, in my opinion.

Laura "Red Velvet", 24.  Account Executive.  She seems nervous.  Could pull off an Emma Stone look, maybe.  Not now.

Mandi the peculiar dentist comes out with a big rose on her head.  RED FLAG.  I am not a Mandi fan.

44:27:  A scene with the girls all together.  Foreshadowing of bitchiness to come.

Back to the limos, the Twins come out before commercial break.

47:40:  Back from commercial and we get a confessional with Red Velvet saying, "I was hoping there would be one ugly person.  I have yet to see an ugly individual."  Apparently Red Velvet has never seen the movie Rounders.  The movie opens with the line, "Listen, here's the thing.  If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table.  Then you are the sucker."

I just realized that we are almost an hour into this show.  Which means I just realized this show is 2 hours long.  Is it always 2 hours long?  Dear Lord, I hope not.

New girl comes walking up with miniature horse, Huey. Maegan, 30.  Cowgirl.  RED FLAG.  Congratulations, Red Velvet!  You got your wish!

New girl.  Breanne, 30.  Nutritional therapist.  "Gluten is Satan.  Let's be honest."  Literally, breaks bread.  RED FLAG.

New girl.  Izzy, 24.  Graphic designer.  "I had to find out if you were the onesy for me."  RED FLAG.

Time to bring up that they keep showing short confessionals of Lace being sort of catty.  Tifani tells me to hold on and that it gets worse.

New girl.  Rachel, 23.  Unemployed.  Comes out in a hover board.  All I scream at the TV is, "Please blow up.  Please blow up."  Tifani tells me to be nice.

New girl.  Jessica, 23.  Accountant.  She seems nice.  Ben looks like he likes her, too.

Tiarra comes out without a chicken.  She actually looks decent.

LB, 23.  Fashion Buyer.  I like her.  She has a genuine thing about her.

Jackie, 23.  Gerontologist.  I thought the "Save the Date" card was a nice touch.  So did, Ben.

New girl.  Olivia, 23.  News anchor.  Ben calms her down her nerves.  Nice talk about dimples.  I have dimples.

56:19:  Host, Chris Harrison (I googled it), talks with Ben.  Ben has no doubt the future Mrs. Higgins is in the house.  There is no doubt I am exhausted at this point.  Need to take a break from this.

** I had to resume this blog the next day.  I didn't know it was 2 hours. 

60:21:  LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLE!!!  We are in the house and all the girls are convinced Ben is the hottest man in America.  Did Lauren, the social media stalker, just call Lace a stalker for doing the same thing?  Pot meet kettle.

62:34: Mandi just interrupted Ben and stole him away from the group of ladies. These girls are appalled.  It was pretty rude. Not nearly as shocking, though, as when she breaks out the dental tools to check to see if he flosses so she can determine if he is kissable.  It was brutal to watch.

At this point, there are too many girls talking to Ben and I can't keep track.  They either have a life story to share, tell him how attractive he is, or have a funny to story to make him laugh.

66:36:  A NEW LIMO!  THE BACHELOR TWIST!  Two girls are returning for a second shot at love.  Becca and Amber.  Tif has nicknamed Becca, "40 year old virgin".  Shocker- the girls in the house are PISSED about the twist.

74:15:  Lace asks for another glass of wine.  She needs a glass of water.

76:00:  Lace interrupts Jubilee and Ben and gets her one on one time.  She is a hot mess.  She tried to get another kiss and Ben shot her down!  He is doing a great job explaining himself and then, SNAP!  Mandi comes and grabs him.  Tension is thick in The Bachelor Mansion.  Lace is not happy.  And she is not sober.

78:04:  Ben goes to find Lace to explain himself and why he doesn't want to get physical.  This Ben guy, I swear.  I think I am getting a crush.  Anyway, Lace turns it into a thing about how he singled her out, how much he adores, and how confident she is getting a rose.  I wish he would have also told her to dry up.  Lace is making Mandi look good.

81:04:  Chris delivers a single rose, thus causing more drama.  This single rose, I am told, is a first impression rose and guarantees security.

88:25:  Ben asks for Olivia.  He digs her story and offers her the First Impression Rose.  Good call, Ben, good call.  I totally approve.  Do you know who doesn't approve?  Lace.  She is angry that he didn't look her in the eye.  It is at this point that Tif and I agree that Lace is a cross between Cecily Strong's SNL Weekend Update "The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with" and Laurel from multiple "MTV's The Challenge".

And Caila drops the, "She (Lace) is 50 Shades of Crazy."  She is becoming my favorite.

The Rose Ceremony Time:  I tried to write during this.  I swear I tried.  I just couldn't. I kept my hands over my mouth the whole time.  This was so nerve racking.  I agreed with all of Ben's picks except for the Twins, Mandi (except for when she pushed Lace out of the way. Respect.), and Lace.

Wait.  Did he really keep The Chicken Enthusiast and the Cowgirl?  ABC didn't show him giving either of those two a rose, did they?  Never mind.  Drunk, crazy Lace is back.  "I just want to talk to you.  You weren't looking at me."  This girl is cray, cray.  Ben is getting angry.

"I have a feeling the drama is just getting started."  Not only is Ben good looking, he is really, really smart, too.

WAIT! THERE IS AN AFTER SHOW! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!

Season previews are filled with a lot of "I love you"s, kisses, and tears.

All right, Ben let's find you Miss Right.  I am in.

Here are my 3 for Ben.  In order of how they appeared on the show.  Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, and Olivia.

See you next week.

THE BIRTH OF REALITY TV AND THE BACHELORIZATION OF IT

Tifani and I, like most Americans I know, just finished "Making a Murderer" on Netflix.  She immediately stated, "We need a new show to watch."  I thought of the many shows that were coming back on TV after Holiday breaks that we could watch together but realized that she doesn't watch as much crappy TV as I.  We had finished "Scream Queens" and I don't know what to make of this season's "American Horror Story", so I was at a loss of what we could look forward to watching together.

Then, after reviewing my Facebook timeline on Monday, I got an idea.  I texted Tif: "How about we watch the Bachelor?"  She must have thought I was drunk but she agreed.

I have never watched an episode of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette".  I do know that A LOT of people do and they will state their allegiance to a particular person on social media.  Here is what else I know about the show from reading People magazine covers, while waiting in line at the grocery store: there is a rose involved, rarely does the couple get married, there was a fat guy from a "The Bachelorette" show who went on to be a "The Bachelor" contestant when he lost weight, there was a "The Bachelor" from Iowa, and the last "The Bachelorette" was kind of slutty.

I do, like I wrote earlier, watch a lot of crappy TV.  A lot.  Thank goodness for the The Hopper.  But I watched bad TV before The Hopper.  That includes reality TV.  In my opinion, reality TV started with an inception and a beginning.

The inception would be MTV's 1992 "Real World" (aka "Real World: New York Season 1).  Eric, Julie, Heather, Andre, Norman, Becky, and Kevin had me watching and taping this show every Thursday night because I wanted to see EXACTLY what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

Now, MTV broke some ground here.  But they were really just flirting with the idea that maybe we could get more viewers if they cut out the videos and just showed tons of reality crap.  They wouldn't adopt this philosophy for nearly ten years.  It doesn't matter how you look at it, The Real World has it's place on the Mt. Rushmore of Reality TV.  Network TV wasn't getting into the idea of reality TV just yet, unless it was "Cops".  Speaking of cops, that will lead us into the beginning of reality TV.

The beginning of reality TV came in the years of 1994 and 1995.  "The OJ Chase and The OJ Trial" is when the networks now understood that they could put unpaid people on TV and still get sponsorship.  Ask anyone in their late 30s and they can tell you exactly where they were during The Chase and The Verdict of OJ Simpson. (Side note: CAN NOT WAIT FOR FX's "THE PEOPLE VS OJ SIMPSON IN FEBRUARY!  CAN'T WAIT!)

Let's fast forward through reality TV and into the reality TV game show.  I was never into "The Gong Show" when I was little, so I don't watch these shows.  Unless there is gambling involved.  So I have only watched "Big Brother", "The Voice", and "MTV's The Challenge".  I am guilty of being in fantasy leagues of all 3.

I have only seen the very first episode of "American Idol" and the first episode of "Survivor".  I thought Simon Cowell was mean and "Survivor" was boring.  I don't watch "The Amazing Race", "The X Factor", "America's Got Talent", etc.  I just don't like them.  So it threw Tifani for a loop when I suggested "The Bachelor".

I explained to her that I wanted to live blog my reaction to the show.  She told me that Howard Stern and Jason Biggs did something similar.  I don't listen to Stern or read Biggs so I don't consider anything I write to be plagiarism.  So together, we are going to catch up on Monday's "The Bachelor", thanks to The Hopper on Dish.  I am going to write my immediate reactions, go back briefly to edit, and then post.  I will try to do the same every Monday night during the season.  Please feel free to comment on Facebook or on the blog.