"THE BACHELOR" 2/15/16: EPISODE 7

I talked about last week's episode more than I have talked about any other episode of "The Bachelor" this season.  I hated last episode.  It was just so mean.  Leah going out of her way to sabotage Lauren B. and then blatantly denying it was sinister.  Lauren not demanding to know the name of who said that she was not acting the same toward Ben as she does when away from him was dumb.  And Ben not divulging the name of the accuser is weak.

Then, they leave Olivia stranded on an island with only the camera crew to take her home was also mean.  Granted, Olivia's actions led me to describe her as "mean as a snake", but does a person deserve that?  It's so annoying that I care.  Here is where I had my Top 3, after an edit, after last week's episode:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Amanda
3.  JoJo

"Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana.  The place that I grew up.  This feels incredible.  It feels so good to be back," says Ben.   I love this sign "The Orthopedic Capital".  Of what?  The world?  The United States?  Indiana?  Kosciusko County?  (I had to look the last one up).  Ben is bringing the six girls to meet the town that made Ben, Ben and the high stakes of this episode is that the survivors get to take Ben to THEIR homes to meet their parents.  

Ben quickly catches his parents up to speed about his six girlfriends.  Yep, that sounds normal- six girlfriends.  Anyway, the girls tour the county seat of Kosciusko County (I had to look that one up, too) and get into a leaf fight.  Seriously.  The producer was like, "Hey Becca, I dare you to throw leaves at JoJo.  It will make a great scene and get you some more airtime."  Dumb.

Ben picks the chicks up in a pontoon boat on the lake he grew up.  All the gals, although hailing from major, major cities make statements about how they would move there with Ben to raise a family.  Ben doesn't even live there.  He moved to Denver.  Do they even listen to him?

00:08:  Lauren B. gets asked to a one on one date with Ben.  Tifani says, "The B. in Lauren B. stands for butter face."

The girls are a little upset about the attention Lauren B. is getting.  This group of girls are going to turn on Lauren B. soon.  And fast.  Faster than the rest of The Bangles turned on Susanna Hoffs after the attention she received from the "Walk Like an Egyptian" video.

00:12:  Ben takes Lauren B. on a tour of his hometown.  Warsaw may be a small town but the schools and Ben's church are huge.  Ben impressively slides in that he was the high school QB1.  Then, Ben tells the story of his first kiss in a movie theater that is now a hotel.  Well, in episode 1 Ben showed a movie theater and said that is where the kiss happened.  Caught you ABC.  Fire your film editor.

Ben takes Lauren to Baker Youth Club.  Pretty good date, if you ask me.  A great insight into what has molded Ben.  I liked that he used the local half court shot hero to snag a kiss from Lauren.

00:17:  Ben surprises the kids with Indiana Pacers Paul George and George Hill.  "I'm star struck.  I'm a big basketball fan.  I grew up playing basketball.  I can appreciate when the Indiana Pacers walk through the door," says Lauren.  "No way she knows who they are," fires back Tifani.

00:25:  Date Card arrives.  "JoJo, let's find love in the Windy City.  Ben."  He isn't even trying to be witty on his cards anymore.

Back to Ben and Lauren.  Ben takes her to a loft he is crashing in.  Lauren wants to address what happened last week.  Ben restates what was said.  It is shocking that Lauren still won't ask, "Who said this statement?"  She says that she doesn't know how to defend something that is not true.  How about confronting the person who said such lies from the beginning?

"This date is not done yet.  I have a spot that means a lot to me.  My local dive bar," says Ben.  I am totally thinking that at Rex's Rendezvous it is going to be John Mellancamp serenading the couple.

Nope.  Instead it is Ben's high school football buddies, Jonathan Moxen, Charlie Tweeder, and Reggie Ray and their significant others doing tequila shots.

00:30:  Whoa!  Whoa!  What?!  Ben and Lauren make out on a roof.  Before going to commercial you can see how tight Ben's pants are.  Apparently, Tif was wrong about what the B. stood for in Lauren B. because it clearly stands for "Boner!"

00:36:  Time for JoJo's One on One Date with Ben in Chicago!  This is a great line by Ben about Wrigley Field, "So this is Wrigley Field.  I always watch the Cubs games here."  Really, as opposed to Soldier Field?  Iconic Wrigley Field sign sends a message to Ben and JoJo: "HEY.  HEY YOU.  YEAH, YOU, BEN... IS THAT JOJO WITH YOU?  IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU ARE DOING MUCH.  COME INSIDE AND CHECK IT OUT!'

For as much as those girls back at Warsaw, IN are jealous of JoJo right now, every dude watching this show is jealous that Ben got to go inside of Wrigley on this date.

The couple takes turns hitting a little BP while pitching to each other.  Ben digs in the box and I say, "I hope he hits a come backer right at her face."  Tif says, "From your lips to God's ears."

00:45:  Group Date card arrives.  Caila, Amanda, and Becca are invited.  Meaning, Emily receives a One on One Date.  Emily's tears of joy create a very ugly face.

Back to the Ben and JoJo date and they have a table for two in center field of Wrigley.  The instrumental from this scene is very close to that from "Field of Dreams".  Tread lightly, ABC, lawsuit might be pending.

JoJo is very thankful he has shared to his adoration of the Cubs but you know that if he doesn't pick her that she will hate the Chicago Cubs forever.

I don't want to write about Ben begging girls to show their vulnerable side anymore.  It is just an every episode thing now.  Ben does have a general connection with JoJo and he said that he is most honest with her but I feel like he would rather be hanging out with Theo Epstein right now, therefore, I still believe she is in the friend zone.

00:56:  Group Date time.  On a lake on a farm, Ben takes them rowing.  He splits them into two groups: Caila & himself and Amanda & Becca.  What a boob. Why can't he put all four in the boat and do the rowing.

Ben explains that the date is actually two dates and whoever gets the rose goes gets the rest of the date into the night and the other two girls go home.  Ben steals Amanda first.  Their talk immediately jumps into talking about Amanda's kids and introducing Ben to her kids.  Important to note here that there is no mention of Amanda going home because she doesn't receive a rose but that she will get to see her kids and so will Ben.  Also, no way Ben is sending Amanda home this late in the game without meeting her kids.  He would look like a HUGE dick.

Becca is up next to talk with Ben.  She is very annoying and seems more concerned about opening up to Ben and getting blindsided.  She needs to stop comparing herself to the other girls and that she hasn't done or gotten anything to make her feel secure.

01:07:  Back from commercial.  I love it when the girl's are all together and talking about what Ben is thinking and the significance of the date they are presently on but when they get to the one on one portion the first thing they say is, "I.  I, just.  I just don't know what you are thinking."

Caila gets stolen away from the trio.  As soon as she starts to talk I get flashbacks from last week.  That confusing conversation returns.  She is digging herself in a hole talking about her anxiety about having a lack of roots compared to Ben.   "I pictured myself as moss and trying to find the perfect tree to grow with," says Caila.  Whatever.

Amanda gets the rose after a speech about wanting to meet someone's family.  This is not a shocker.  Becca and Caila are sent back to the lake house.  Amanda and Ben are going to continue the date.  Becca continues to cry for the cameras.  "I'm just frustrated.  And confused.  And wondering what, where do we go from here," cries Becca.  How about try out for a 3rd "The Bachelor" season?

01:17:  Becca continues the tears, "This is probably the most I have opened up so quickly to somebody."  Didn't you divulge the information that you were a virgin to the previous bachelor on the previous season that you lost?  That is the most open you can get with a person.  Becca continues, "What am I doing?  Why am I here?"  Because you asked the producers of the show if you could be on TV again after you didn't get picked on the previous season of "The Bachelor".

01:18:  "I thought the whole purpose of coming to my hometown was to do the things that are normal to me.  So I wanted to take you to McDonalds," pitches Ben.  GET RIGHT THE FUCK OUT! COULD THERE BE A MORE AWFUL OR SHAMELESS PLUG.  HOW ABOUT A WORST DATE!?  He even asks Amanda, "Do you like McDonalds?," and I am shocked that the producers didn't make Amanda say, "Yes, I do like McDonalds!  So do my kids.  They love Happy Meals!"  So fucking terrible of a date that I feel like I blacked out during the carnival.  Except the most honest thing I have ever heard from this season.  "Fair rides scare me.  They do!  Like, they get set up in a day!" says Ben.

01:30:  Ben and Emily's One on One Date.  The girls are a little concerned that Emily is going to Ben's home.  How do they know Ben is taking her there?  Because they Veronica Mars'd the shit out of Ben's date card that said: "Home is where the heart is."

Ben takes Emily to meet his parents.  Ben's dad has a real Joe Longval look and demeanor about him.  Tifani agrees.  Emily, self admittedly, does not talk well in nervous situations and, boy, does it show.   Emily and Amy, Ben's mom, take off for some girl time.  Ben's mom is trying to follow Emily's conversation but she just isn't translating what Emily's words are saying.  "I feel like I am so average at everything in life.  But I've always known that deep down in my heart that I will be an above average mom and an above average wife," this ding dong says to Ben's mom.

I love Ben's time with his Mom during the post- girl time talk.  She is so worried that Ben might choose Emily that she is brought to tears.

Meanwhile, Emily confides to Ben's dad that she loves, "watching movies.  If she could sit around and watch movies all day long, that would be her favorite thing.  What I don't like?  That would be hard.  I like a lot of things.  I don't like vegetables."  They are sitting lakeside and outdoors and she is talking about watching the "Twillight" saga.

The writing is on the wall and when returning to the lake house, Ben goes right for the jugular.  He doesn't see Emily as his wife.  Ben sends Emily home.  BOOM!  Called it.

I didn't know that there would be two girls going home tonight.  I speculated that Emily would go home tonight and Becca next week but there will be a rose ceremony tonight and another girl is going home on this episode.  Final Four will have home visits.

My friend, Dan O'Brien, texted me during the Rose Ceremony.  I went from not knowing who Chris Harrison was to his appearance being the highlight of the show for me.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY:
Ben is a wreck.  Chris asks, "What is wrong?"  Ben confides, "I don't know what I am going to do."

Chris gets real with Ben, "Let me ask you this.  Do you see the possibility that you could fall in love with each of them?  All five have that potential to be your wife.  Honestly."  Chris comes hardcore and Ben gets the perspective he needs to go forth with the ceremony:

Amanda is safe due to group date rose.

Lauren,  will you accept this rose?
JoJo, will you accept this rose?
Caila, will you accept this rose?

Becca is blindsided.  She is not too happy.  Ben walks her out.  I wish Ben would have more of a backbone in this decision but he asks her to sit to explain himself.  He handles the situation well and Becca concedes that now is the better time to cut ties before families are involved.

I rarely watch the previews for next week's episode but I am so glad that I did tonight.  Next week is going to be insane!  That look on his face when the kids are being kids... everyone with kids who saw that look simultaneously said, "Amanda is gone.  Ben is out!"

Going into next week, I am holding with my Top 3:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Amanda
3.  JoJo

See you next week!  Thanks for reading!

"THE BACHELOR" 2/08/16: EPISODE 6

Last week ended with a "To Be Continued..." and a really dumb camera shot of a full suited Ben standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  The cliffhanger was what would Ben do with Olivia, who was apparently exposed as to not being too honest about who she truly was with Ben.

My TOP 3 last week were:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  JoJo
3.  Caila

All right let's do this!  Going right into the conversation with Olivia.  Ben is very vague as to what the girls have rightfully accused Olivia of and leaves it open to Olivia to defend herself.  She is doing a good job of describing a "target on her back" and that she is different from the other girls because she is reserved and likes to talk about "smart things".  The damage control from Olivia is incredible.  Ben returns to the squad with Olivia.  This round goes to Olivia.

00:06 : "What the f@%k!  How could you possibly be falling for this act that she is putting on?  Olivia's tears are not authentic at all.   They are fake as f@%k.  Olivia is a liar.  What she says means nothing.  It's gonna suck to see someone, who deserves to be here, get sent home because Olivia got that rose," says Emily.  Let's just say when Emily got to lose that baggage she called Haley, she totally turned her game up to another level.  I am a fan.

Before the commercial we get two great quotes from Olivia:
"Come at me, bro," and "Everyone else can suck it."

00:11:  ROSE CEREMONY
Amanda, Lauren H., and Olivia all got roses previously.
Caila will you accept this rose?
Lauren B. will you accept this rose?
JoJo will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?
Leah will you accept this rose?
Final rose.  Down to Jennifer and Emily...  Ugh the instrumental is killing me.  It is very intense.
Emily will you accept this rose?

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AS TO NEXT DESTINATION! "We're going to the Bahamas," declares Ben.

00:21:  The girls are really enjoying the Bahamas and the Grand Isle Villas until Chris drops that there will be three dates this week: a one on one date, a group date, and a two on one date.  I don't know what the two on one date is but Chris quickly explains the severity of this date.  The women who gets a rose on the date is safe, the loser is on a plane back to the states.

"Caila, let's see if our love is reel. Ben."  Caila gets her second one on one of the season.  Leah is not too happy about Kaila and that she has not gotten a date, "Haven't gotten shit," is her exact words.

00:35:  Ben justifies his one on one with Caila by explaining the majority of the date was with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube of "Ride Along 2".

Back at the Villas, Leah is a wreck and can't stop whining about looking like a fool because she hasn't been granted quality time with Ben.  That is not why she looks like a fool.  She obviously doesn't remember her first time out of the limo when she, while in a gown, bent over and hiked a football to Ben.  I do.  Do you know why?  Because that was the last time she was on this show and that is the moment she became a fool.

00:33:  This is my favorite part of the segment so far.  Production has timed up Leah whining about how she could have met Ben in a bar (they both live in Denver) but fate brought them here... wah... wah... wah... and, "He's not taking that leap with me," with Caila and Ben jumping off a yacht into to ocean.  Classic ABC production play on words.

00:31:  Ben is trying to dig deeper into Caila, "Get below the surface," he says.  This is when the girl usually gives up a sad story like an eating disorder or a grandparent who they were extremely close to but they passed right before filming began.

Well, I am wrong.  Caila says she is not ready to cry on his shoulder.  She says she feels like her emotions are being called out.

Things get extremely confusing from here out.  I rewound this numerous times to follow understand Caila so I could keep up.  Caila talks in circles.  "I feel like I love you.  But I don't know why I can't share.  Maybe it's because I am not ready.  I feel like my greatest fear is that I can't totally and completely fall in love with somebody.  And part of me is afraid because your greatest fear is being unlovable and my greatest fear might be breaking your heart.  It doesn't feel right.  It feels like I am going to hurt you."

WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?  Ben is confused, too.

00:34:  Back at the Villas there is a knock on the door.  Lauren B., Amanda, Becca, JoJo, Lauren H., and Leah have been invited to the group date.  "Love in unpredictable, Ben."

Which means the two on one date is Emily and Olivia.  Olivia is confident but does have this stupid comment to say about Emily, "Emily is just young."  THEY ARE THE SAME AGE!!!!  Olivia has done many things on this show so far to make her look or act older than 23.  Tifani calls Olivia, "The Curious Case of Olivia on The Bachelor".

Emily is not without spunk about this date.  She fires off, "I'm going on to fight this battle for everyone that hates Olivia as much as I do."

Have to point out here that Leah's confessionals are starting to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I am just not even listening anymore.

00:36:  Back to the "Caila and the Confusing Conversation".  Ben said earlier that he felt like maybe Caila will "self eliminate".  I doubt it.  The thing is though, Ben doesn't hesitate to send someone home so Caila better tread lightly with this run around talk she has going on.  Caila looks like she may fall out of my Top 3.

Ben asks her to clarify her feelings.  She starts blabbing about being confusing or confusing Ben.  Caila starts to explain how she knows she is falling in love.  This is just straight up stupid.  The only thing that Caila said that made sense was, "I feel like I confused the crap out of Ben."  She received a rose.  How she did I have no idea.  Ben is so confused he called the date, "one of the best in his life".

00:44: GROUP DATE
Group takes a boat to an island.  An island with swimming pigs that eat hotdogs.  I don't like group dates.  I think it is boring television.  I do, however, think feeding pigs hotdogs on a beach is funny.  That is the best thing about this date.

I'm going to take this time to tell you all about Ben's tattoo.  A little known story that he rarely tells.  Ben's tattoo is Proverbs 16:3 from the bible.  It reads, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed".  Underneath it it says Proverb 16:3 and has a cross.  It is his favorite Proverb.  He had always wanted to get it as a tattoo and purposely got it on his ribcage so he could still look professional.  Sounds about right, right?  He got the tattoo in college and immediately showed his roommate.  Roommate asked, "What Proverb is it?"  Ben replied, "16:3."  "Well, you have 16:34 tattooed on you," his roommate informed him.  The cross is a coverup.  True story.  You can share that and impress your friends.  You can hear Ben's story on the Channel 33 podcast "Bachelor Party with Juliette".

Back to the group date.  Girls are being very quiet and shy away from Ben.  Except Lauren B.  She takes Ben off to the side and the girls start feeling awkward about their chemistry.  Ben feels the tension.  "Everything is misfiring," he says.  He confides is JoJo about what is going on.  "JoJo, out of anybody else here you get it.  You get that it's awkward, you get that it's hard, and you get that it doesn't make sense.  You understand this."  Ben confiding in JoJo means only one thing...

JOJO IS IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!!!!!

00:58: GROUP DATE CONTINUES INTO THE EVENING
Ben grabs Becca first.  He is so worried about the date during the day.  Becca assures him that he is not doing anything wrong but his connection with Lauren B. can be overwhelming.

Now he is talking to Amanda.  I know that he says he is trying to be fair and open to everyone but I wonder if he is just drunk and worried to upset one of these girls's feelings.

01:02:  Leah says, "I am not going to let his (Ben) relationship with Lauren B. stop me from getting what I want."  She says to Ben that Lauren B. is differen't in the house then how they are towards Ben.  She is making Olivia look good.  Then, Lauren B. walks in and says, "It is storming.  Is this a good time?"  Not for you, Lauren B.!!!

Ben tells Lauren B. about the news that he has been told that the person he has the best chemistry with in the house is not genuine to him.  Lauren holds herself well.  You would think she would flip the bitch switch.  Instead, she nails a great line in her confessional, "I feel like I would never use my time to talk about someone else."

So after Lauren B.'s one on one with Ben, she starts to shed some tears.  The rest of the girls console her and Leah, who walked in later, denies saying a thing or her name.  Just mean.  Mean as a snake.  I don't like Leah at all.

01:12: Time for the group date rose.  Ben gives it to the woman who he appreciated for a long time and continues to be the sweet person that they all know.  Amanda receives the rose.  Leah says that she should be more relieved that Lauren B. didn't get the rose but she is upset that she didn't get the rose, either, "Tonight, I am going to have to do something a little more, you know, extreme."

01:19: Leah heads over to Ben's villa with the intention of getting rid of Lauren B., "At the end of the day, the less girls here, the better chances for me."

Ben actually seems excited to see Leah.  That is a true genuine response.  He is bored and happy to have company.  Leah jumps right into the Lauren B. bashing.  "Im not here to sabotage what you have with someone," she says.  THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO! YOU EVEN SAID SO!

Ben doesn't feel this chemistry with Leah.  In his usual bad ass fashion, Ben tells her that they have to say goodbye because of few and far between sparks.  Leah is floored by this.  "I would never have said anything had I known he was going to say goodbye tonight.  I literally did not see that coming," she says.  NO!  GET OUT! *this is sarcasm

Here is what I think.  I think Ben is truly in this for love and that is why he sends chicks home early before rose ceremonies and calls them out when he is confused by their irrational behavior.  So Ben makes some strong choices when he feels necessary.  I don't think you can convince me that Ben chooses who to take on dates.  Be it a one on one, group or this stupid two on one.  I think this is all producers shoving this down his throat.  Just my opinion.  Speaking of the stupid two on one...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES.  "THE BACHELOR", BEN HIGGINS, CHRIS HARRISON, AND THE PRODUCTION STAFF AT ABC IS PROUD TO PRESENT AND SAY "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!  THE TWO ON ONE UNTIL ONE IS DONE!!!!!! EMILY VERSUS OLIVIA!!!!! LET'S GET IT ON BECAUSE WE DON'T GET ALONG!!!!

01:28:  Time for the two on one.  Good to see that Olivia is so confident in her relationship with Ben that she dresses like she is taking her four kids to the local water park at 3:30 in the afternoon instead of going to a "do or die" date with The Bachelor.

The date seems so real.  Everytime the waves crash into the rocks you can even hear "AWKWARD!" when they hit.

Ben and Olivia seem to have a good conversation but ever since Tifani has pointed out the Olivia is burying her feet in the sand on purpose that is all I can focus on.  Until Olivia drops the "I love you!" and Ben seems receptive to the proclamation.

Time for Emily's time.  Her words are fast and furious and they almost seem like she is fighting to stick around.  Tifani, very astutely, points out that when he fixes Emily's hair that he doesn't kiss her.  Very good point.  Doesn't look good for Emily.

Time for the two on one date rose.  Ben asks to speak with Olivia.  Here is my quote, "No way he has the balls to send Olivia home like this.  No way."  Boy was I wrong.  He told Olivia that he could not reciprocate her feelings and he has to be honest.  Ben just leaves her standing there and returns to Emily.  WHICH, BY THE WAY, OLIVIA HAS TO WATCH HIM GIVE THE ROSE TO EMILY AND KISS HER!  Here is the problem, if Olivia truly loved him, wouldn't she have dropped to her knees like someone ripped her heart out?  Maybe I have seen "Braveheart" one too many times.

So they leave the island.  Olivia is stranded all alone.  Her feet still stuck in the sand.

01:51:  Ben is emotionally bankrupt and he wants to skip the cocktail hour and go right into the Rose Ceremony.  I don't blame him.  He has tried to show these women paradise and they have created misery.

Rose Ceremony (but first, anyone notice that Ben will wear a  tee shirts but refuses to wear an under shirt?  And that he refuses to button above the top two buttons on his shirts?  No?  Just me?  OK)

Caila, Amanda, and Emily all have received roses.
Becca will you accept this rose?
JoJo will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE
Lauren B. will you accept this rose?

Lauren H. is going home.  Called it last week.

After tonight's episode I have changed my Top 3 drastically:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Amanda
3.  Emily

** This is a change from the original post.  I have to edit my Top 3.  I slept on it and thought about it this morning.  Here is what I think is going to happen.

• Emily is going home next week 2/15.  I can't get over the fact that Ben did not kiss her when helping her brush her hair back on the beach.
• Becca is going home on 2/22.  She sweet and nice but has too much interest in the other girls left compared to her
• Leap Year episode is where it gets tricky.  This is the episode I want to have a group Facebook chat to transcribe.  Caila, I think goes home on this episode.  Her nonsense rant about love is going to linger with Ben and cost her the Final Rose

That makes the Top 3:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Amanda
3.  JoJo (Ben keeps JoJo around as a "wing man")

Let's be honest, Lauren B. could take up all three spots.  Ben adores her.

Again, going to do a Facebook messenger on the 2/29 episode.  The entire transcript will be on the blog.

Until next week!  Thanks for reading!

"THE BACHELOR" 2/2/2016: EPISODE 5

"The Bachelor" blog is back after a one week and some change hiatus due to a vacation.  I did not do the responsible thing and grab a guest blogger, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking about Ben and his search for love.  That is an actual picture that I took on the beach in Jamaica.

OK.  Maybe Tifani made me take that picture for our son, Ben.  But we still were thinking about him. We sat down this week and watched four hours of "The Bachelor".

I'm not going to blog about last weeks.  I am going to fast forward through last week and write who got kicked off:

We lost a Twin, Haley.  Amber and Rachel did not receive a rose.

Before we begin this week's episode, I would like to write a segment called: "REMEMBER WHEN:"

• REMEMBER WHEN: I compared Lace to Cicely Strong's SNL Weekend Update character "The Girl You Wished You Hadn't Started a Conversation With' in the Week 1 blog?  Yeah, me too.  So does Entertainment Weekly magazine.  They put the same picture in their The Bullseye section of their magazine 2 weeks ago.

• REMEMBER WHEN: Tifani said that she didn't like Lauren B.'s face and that, although admitted she will go far, Tifani was not a fan of her. Tifani is now a Lauren B. fan.  Not because she likes her, but because she thinks that she is manipulating Ben's insecurities into liking her more.  If you watch closely, Tifani's theory does hold up.

• REMEMBER WHEN: I said that I did not like The Twins?  Well, I would watch a show about them, living with their mom and their 5 dogs, but they would have to River Dance 90% of the show.

• REMEMBER WHEN: I thought Olivia was a front runner.  It's obvious that I have no clue what I am talking about.  Olivia is clearly delusional and has no grasp of nonverbal communication. Also, she is a bad person and painful to watch.  It is only a matter of time that Ben sees her for her true self.  Speaking of Olivia...

• REMEMBER WHEN: Olivia's story that she quit her news anchor job to be a contestant on The Bachelor seemed like a cute, romantic comedy situation.  I feel like when the season ends we are going to find out the truth about the end of Olivia's employment at the news station.  I believe it will go something like this: Olivia was asked to resign from her employer because she fell in love with her station manager.  You see, the station manager brought Starbucks for the entire staff one unseasonably, cold day and Olivia noticed that her coffee was the only one with a cup sleeve.  Immediately, Olivia knew this was a sign of love and believed that the station manager would leave his wife of 18 years and 3 children for her.  Only the love wasn't reciprocated, just like her love for Ben isn't either, and she was asked to resign from her position immediately or a restraining order would have been placed upon her.

OK back to the show.  Two weeks ago I had the TOP 3 look like this:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Kaila
3.  Olivia
with JO JO and Becca on outside looking in.
After last week's episode I have the TOP 3 looking like this:
1.  Lauren B.
2.  Jo Jo
3.  Kaila
Becca still on the outside though.

** TIME MAY BE OFF DUE TO PREEMPTIVE IOWA CAUCUS
VIVA LA MEXICO!!!!!
00:01  "I am excited to be in Mexico City.  This is going to be a great place to take the women.  This is an incredible city.  There is a lot of culture, there is a lot of history.  It's the political and cultural capital of Mexico.  The food is incredible.  The people are always friendly.  I feel really lucky to be here."  Ben makes it sound like he visits Mexico City to go to the Farmer's Market every Saturday.  Why does ABC always edit Ben to sound like such a tool at the beginning of each episode?  Only to make the viewer love him more at the end of each episode would be the answer.

00:03 ONE on ONE DATE  CARD

Goes to Amanda, despite Olivia's gut telling Olivia that it will be Olivia.  Olivia has a mean girl confessional about Amanda having kids.  I think Olivia's face is meaner than her words.  Or scarier than her words.  My friend, Sarah Wychoff sent Tif and I this.  Pretty good.

00:08  It's 4:20 in the morning and the date is beginning.  Ben is going to wake up the girl's in their element.  It's cheesy but entertaining.  The girls are embarrassed and Lauren H. is rocking a retainer.  Ben eases the awkward situation by saying, "I wear a retainer to bed, too."   Sure you do, Ben.  Like we believe perfection need to be retained.  Somehow, Amanda wakes up in perfect condition and cartoon blue birds and cartoon baby deer helped her get ready for the date in 15 minutes.

Olivia and Lauren H. talk about their worries that Amanda the Mom might not be a good fit for Ben.

Ben and Amanda are going up in a hot air balloon, which I assume we all knew by the lack of creativity in the clue on the One on One Date Card.

"We can see the ancient city of Teotihuacan.  One of the largest cities of the ancient world," says Ben.  Then he points to a pyramid and says, "That one pyramid is the same size as, like,  the Great Pyramid of Egypt."  Ben is either really, really smart or getting spoon fed the facts from ABC producers.  I was a History major and a geography teacher and I had to rewind and google the spelling of "Teotihuacan".  He, on the other hand,  pronounced it like a native.

00:19  The Group Date card arrives.  Everyone but Lauren H. is invited, which means she gets a One on One with Ben.  She is excited.  Jubilee hates Group Dates.  Olivia hates Lauren H.

00:21  Back to the Amanda & Ben Date.  The rest of the date is very typical.  Amanda explains how her marriage was not a happy union and tells Ben how safe he makes her feel.  Tifani says, "She is definitely going to marry a former BMX dude who wears all black and has flat billed hats."  We both know she is describing TJ Lavin and but don't share the name because neither wants to admit the crush we have on the "MTV The Challenge" host.

Ben offers her a rose, keeping her safe.  There is no chemistry between them, however.  Even the kiss seemed forced.

00:30  Group Date Time
The group are going to be cooking a meal but first learning Spanish.  The entire date is actually quite dumb but really all I think about is why does Ben need to learn Spanish if he is so enlightened in the workings of Mexican culture.

Time to cook food.  At the market, the girls learn they can work in pairs to cook a authentic Mexican meal.  Olivia jumps in and claims Ben as her partner at the same time Jubilee does.  Olivia wins.  Ben does not look happy.

The girls are in the market trying to get ingredients for the meal while ordering in Spanish.  There are English words all over the place, like two times more than Spanish words.  Stop making it harder for yourselves, ladies!  Just use English!  If you are not cheating, you are not trying, girls.

Let's face it.  Group Dates are the boring portion of the show.  Every week.

The dishes are ready to be judge by the two chefs.   Jubilee and Lauren B. are the winners.

00:53  Group Date Cocktail Time
Olivia jumps right in to grab Ben first.  The rest of the girls can't be too happy about this since she spent the day with him.  Jubilee especially.

Ben is doing his best to give one on one time with each girl.

Lauren B. and Ben leave the hotel and walk the city.  Did I write, "walk the city"?  I meant make out.  A lot.  Lauren B. is not afraid to lay on the open mouth kiss.

Ben and Lauren B. return and Ben asks to see Jubilee.  Her response is a bit awkward.  Ben and Jubilee's one on one is getting deep.

Ben is getting real right now to Jubilee.  This guy is in it for real and he isn't taking chances.  I could do without all these dramatic instrumentals ABC pulls off before going to a commercial break.

01:06  "Do you feel like a this point in time there could still be something between us?" Ben asks.  Ben doesn't.  Bye Jubilee!

01:11  Ben breaks the news of Jubilee's departure and his angst is visible.  JoJo goes in for the comforting one on one.  GO JO JO!  Lauren B. better remember that object in mirrors are closer than they appear and JoJo is hot on her tail.

01:13  BEN GIVES OLIVIA A ROSE!!!  What is he thinking?  Is he drunk off of tequila?

01:20  Ben and Lauren H. go on their One on One date.  It's Mexican Fashion Week.  The surprise is they are going to be on the runway.  The date is a nice idea but during this whole date all I can think of is....

01:31  Ben and Lauren H. continue their date at night.  Lauren H. tells him about her ex-boyfriend.  It  is a oddly similar story.  There are parallels between her story and the show:  "I moved across the country to live with him" (I moved across the country to be in The Bachelor Mansion).  "Suddenly out of the blue he broke up with me" (Like the episode when you don't receive a rose, it's coming I promise).  "I didn't understand why he would do something like that.  It ended up he was cheating on me and one of the girls was my friend" (Ben doesn't like you and he has been making out with other girls including some you call friends).

There seems to be little connection but Ben gives her a rose anyway.  Would have Ben strange if he didn't.  I mean, the rose was there the whole time. 

01:40  Cocktail Hour Before Rose Ceremony

ABC has built up a lot of drama for this.  This is when it usually gets catty.  Going to try to get everything in the best that I can.

• Olivia is just so smug with that rose
• Loved that JoJo made Ben promise that she won't be blindside
• Lauren B. says she can see a "life, life" with Ben.  Ben loved this so much.  He needs to hear that type of security.

And then this happened:

Olivia, in response to Amanda discussing her two daughters, said that she felt like she was "watching an episode of Teen Mom".  The balls on Olivia are HUGE.  But Amanda, to explain what foul taste Olivia has, fires back, "You remind me of Snookie from the show Jersey Shore where she was like a hot mess all the time." 

Emily decides to tell Ben about how she feels about Olivia and how she is easily offended.  Although, she explained that words don't always come out right, she is very emotional and it is not coming out too well.  But it is still an effective conversation on Emily's part and Ben is starting to see a flaw in Olivia's personality.  I felt like I was watching Rocky IV.  I felt like saying, "She's cut!  The bitch is cut!" (By no means am I comparing Emily to Rocky.  I am comparing Olivia to Drago.)

Olivia smells the blood.  Olivia wants to talk to Ben again- damage control.  Gives him a ring from a gumball machine.  Emily should be proud of herself for standing up to a bully.  Instead, she is a hot mess and calls her twin, Haley.

Ben asks to talk to Amanda.  He wants to get to the bottom and asks for complete honesty.  Dum, dum, dahhhhhh....

Jennifer throws Olivia under the bus, too.

Chris comes in to end the cocktail hour and move on to Rose Ceremony.  BUT WAIT!  Ben apologizes to Chris for interrupting him and asks to talk to Olivia.  The girls speculate what could happen.  Thought is the rose will be taken away and she will be sent home.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

I don't know what is worse: the "to be continued" or the final scene of the show.

No rose ceremony tonight.

My Top 3 at the end of the show is:

1.  Lauren B.

2.  JoJo

3.  Kaila

Thinking of running a Facebook group message for the LEAP YEAR February 29th "The Bachelor" episode.  Let me know if you want to get in and then I will publish our transcript on the blog.

Here are the rules:

1.  You must watch live

2.  You must be willing to comment and allow everything you write be published

"THE BACHELOR" 1/18/16: EPISODE 3

It is another "The Bachelor" Monday!  We may be starting the show late but we are going to watch it on an actual Monday.  Bedtimes and earaches have postponed our original viewing time.

I've been thinking a lot about the "Race to the Final Rose" this week.  The producers are putting together a good story.  All good stories have a protagonist and an antagonist.  THIS story is so good we have multiples of each.  Caila, Becca, and Lauren the flight attendant are the early protagonists.  Lace and Olivia are the early antagonists.  

Our antagonists are very different.  I put some thought into how to explain both Lace and Olivia to the masses.  Every time I thought about it, my examples and/or references went to professional wrestling (I'm not going to lie, I probably compare 65% of things in life to professional wrestling, so this is not a stretch).

Olivia is very confident that she will be the next Mrs. Higgins.  Her conversations with other potential wives are one sided and her narcissistic confessionals are fantastic.  In the wrestling world, confessionals are known as "promos" and nobody cuts a promo better than "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.  Olivia is "The Bachelor"'s Ric Flair.  She tells everyone she is the best and there is little any of the other chicks can do to change that.  Here is one of many classic Flair promos:

Lace is unpredictable, mean spirited, selfish, scary, and might be under the influence 90% of the time.  Same could be said of "The Macho Man" Randy Savage.  He would seem like a good champion and then something would snap and he would be considered reckless, toxic, and able to put you in harm's way.  This is how I see Lace.  In this youtube video where Savage attacks Hulk Hogan, there can be comparison's to Lace.  Hulk Hogan is Jubilee, a possible ally (they've been friendly) but more of a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".  Miss Elizabeth represents The Rose- something they both have a mutual interest in the well being of but not the main prize.  The championship belt represents Ben Higgins- the ultimate goal.  I can totally see Lace say to Jubilee, "You've got jealous eyes!"

I have 99% of conversation about "The Bachelor" with females.  Probably the same is true via text messages (until tonight) and social media.  Maybe girls could use "The Bachelor 2016 Antagonist Analogy" to get the special man in their life to watch the show with them.

Or they could just talk about this blog until your guy friend gives in and watches the show.  This is the case of what happened to my buddy, Dusty Driever, whose wife reads the blog.

Anyway, it is time to start the show and bring on the crazy.  I am hoping Ben continues to drop Laurens because there are way too many girls named Lauren on this show.  Recap from last week: the early frontrunners, in my opinion, is Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, Olivia, and Becca.

1:44:  The girls are talking about Olivia and how she is a "mean girl".  Chris the Host drops that there will be 3 dates this week- 2 one on ones and 1 group date.

Lauren B, formerly known as Lauren the flight attendant because LB self eliminated last week, gets the first one on one invite.  "What do you think we are doing today?" Ben asks.  I so wanted Lauren B to reply, "Hang out with Robert DeNiro and Zach Efron because their movie "Dirty Grandpa" premieres this week," but she didn't.

8:13:  Ben is taking Lauren B on a bi-plane for their date.  I have to show you a text I received from my friend, Marc Van Severan.  The text makes so much sense.  Also, I didn't know he watched the show.  I am glad that I can talk to him about this show now.

So Lauren B and Ben are up in this plane.  If you remember an earlier blog, Tifani is not a Lauren B fan.  She does say this while they are up in the air.

"She should give him a hand job."
I laugh, "I like where your head is but why?"
"Then he will never forget her," she replied.  

Very true.  I've got one of the best co-pilots on this Ben Higgins one way viewing flight to love.

13:23:  Ben and Lauren B walk to a remote location to a hot tub.  I'm not even thinking about how the hot tub got into the middle of nowhere, I'm actually thinking about how many steps they would have gotten on their FitBits and how many steps were wasted on the piggy back ride to the hot tub.

14:25:  Ben totally wants to bang Lauren B in the hot tub.

16:21:  Back at "The Bachelor" Mansion.  Caila and JoJo are talking Caila starts crying about her insecurities of this reality dating game show.  Tifani says, "They do know that they are opening up to their competition, right?  They are totally showing their weaknesses."  She would be hard core on this show.

21:59:  Lauren H is describing her family and it is exactly how Ben described his own family in the season premiere.  Tif, not happily, calls her shot, "Mark my words.  This girl is going to win."  Then she adds, "If she doesn't, she will be the next "The Bachelorette".  So she will be in the final three."

23:12:  Group date card is here.  Something like 10 or 12 girls get invited.  Jubilee, Becca, Caila, and JoJo are not invited.

26:27:  Ben gives Lauren B a rose and she is safe until the next round.  Ben asks her to follow him to another surprise.  IT'S THE DIXIE CHICKS!!!!  Nope.  It's Lucy Angel.  My bad.  I'm pretty sure they are the opening band for Amos Lee because I have never heard of them, either.

32:45:  GROUP DATE TIME
The girls are going to play soccer at Memorial Coliseum.  But first they have to practice with 2 girls from the World Cup winning USWNT, because, you know, soccer is so hard to understand.  I mean every community in the United States has a 4 and under youth soccer league but these grown adults need to learn how to play soccer.

Host Chris shows up at soccer field wearing a number 35 soccer jersey.  The number 35 is significant because it represents the number of jobs he had been fired from and canceled television pilots he was on before he landed this gig.  He gives them the game stipulations.  They will be broken into two teams: Team Sluts and Team Strippers.  Wait.  I heard that wrong.  It's Team Stars and Team Stripes.  The team that wins gets some alone time with Ben.  The other girls go home.

Why do they do these athletic contest?  It's painful to watch.  I'd rather watch those 4 and under youth games.

Team Stars scores first.  Lace is the goalie.  She says, "I didn't know you could pick up the ball, so I just let them score."  I am sure the rest of the quote followed with, "I usually just use my hands to hold my chardonnay," it just didn't make final edit.

In OT, Team Stripes wins the cup and the special time with Ben.  Thank goodness it is over.

54:00:  Time for the special date with just the six girls from the winning team.  Olivia steals Ben and takes him to a hotel room. She talks about how the other girls find her intimidating.  While she does that, the girls trash Olivia's toes and her breath.  Just mean.

55:59:  Jami tattles on the other girls to Olivia about what they were saying.  "Perfection is so lame," says Olivia.

56:17:  Date card.  Tensions are high over being hopeful to get the date card.  Jubilee waaaaay overreacts to getting picked for "Love Is In The Air".

57:41:  The winners from the soccer game are each getting their one on one time with Ben.  Amber's confessional makes her seem nervous.  Her experience gives her fears merit.  She gets time with Ben and goes in for a kiss.  Seemed like a latch ditch effort.  This kiss was Amber's "Hail Mary".

59:36:  HOLY SHIT!  The kiss from Amber paid off.  Ben offered her a rose.  Amber is the Aaron Rodgers of "The Bachelor".  Nice work.  Well executed.  Have to mention Olivia trying to take Amber's moment and making it about her because Ben used her knee to push off the couch.

1:04:07:  One on one date with Jubilee.  Jubilee talks about how she can be socially awkward.  She make comments about him being 20 minutes late and the other girls are very defensive of Ben.  Jami calls her "Awko-taco".

Ben calmly drops, "I think our ride is here," when a helicopter can be heard.  Jubilee is afraid of heights and says, "Does anyone else want to go on my date?"  Majority of the house thinks she is very, very unappreciative.

1:08:32:  After the helicopter ride, they go to a spa.  They are feeding each other caviar.  Ben asks, "Is it good?"  Jubilee does not think it is appetizing.  This girl lived on MREs in the military but caviar is not going to cut it with her.  Only hotdogs.  Jubilee says she is obsessed with hotdogs.

1:11:06:  Jubilee talks about a "white boy" reference she made and was worried about his reaction.  Ben says not to worry, "I ain't that white, I got some..."  Jubilee says, "So I've heard."  This is is second reference to Ben's dong.  In the season premiere, Jami talked about it at their limo introduction.  So if you are paying attention, the girl on "The Bachelorette" spilled the beans that Ben has a big dog in his pants.  Remember, Jubilee LOVES hotdogs.

1:21:53:  I would say this date with Jubilee went very well for her.  Ben really likes the person that she is.  She does have layers, which Ben refers, to her.  I don't think she relates to the girls in the house very well but one on one she can talk to Ben.  Ben gives her a rose.

1:27:03:  Next day back at the mansion.  Many girls are shocked that Jubilee is still there.  Lauren H talks about how insane it is that Jubilee is still there and immediately I think Lauren H was the white chick at the beginning of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" video.

1:29:27:  Cocktail hour before Rose Ceremony.  Ben shares news of people close to him losing their lives in a plane crash.  Even is personal hardship, Ben can deliver news with class.

Olivia grabs Ben.  Not to console him but to talk about being strong when people talk about her looks from waist down.  This was really bad for Olivia.   If you read the text from Marc that I received you will notice that he is empathetic of my time but he wanted to reach out and make a point.  Olivia lacks this quality.  Marc would have gotten a rose tonight.

The rest of the girls seem to want to make him happy.  You know who they don't want to be happy, however?  Jubilee.

1:32:48:  Jubilee takes matter into her own hands (no pun intended) and grab Ben to give him a massage.  Ben was very receptive and happy she did so.  The other girls, Lace most importantly, are pissed and this move.

1:40:48:  Amber tries to grab Jubilee to talk about the "elephant in the room".  It's really uncalled for. Jubilee retreats to a bathroom.  Ben, like a white knight, comes to rescue Jubilee and give her reassurance about how much he likes her in the mansion and how he doesn't want to see her hurt.

1:44:37:  Lace asks to talk to Ben!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Finally!  Commercial.  Ugh.  Lace is emotional.  She says she needs to work on herself.  She quotes her tattoo.  She is self eliminating!!!! THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  LACE SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND KNEW SHE WAS GOING HOME.  INSTEAD OF GETTING SNUBBED AT THE ROSE CEREMONY SHE CHOSE TO GO OUT LIKE THIS. 


1:52:25:  ROSE CEREMONY

Lauren H will you accept this rose?
Amanda will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?  YES!
Hailey will you accept this rose? blah
Emily will you accept this rose? blah #twinning
Rachel will you accept this rose?
Caila will you accept this rose?  YES!
JoJo will you accept this rose?
Jennifer will you accept this rose?
Leah will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE... dum, dum, dummmmmmm..

Olivia will you accept this rose?  YES!

Jami and Sushanna are out.

Olivia gives yet another dumb speech about a touch and non-verbal interaction between Ben and herself.

So, the initial top 3 are still there.  I will rank them now.  Before, it was in no special order.  Here is the Top 3:
1.  Lauren B
2. Caila
3. Olivia
Outside looking in: Becca and JoJo (edit credit to Ben Valdez)
Biggest jump this episode: Jubilee

I will be out of town next week for "The Bachelor".  Flirting with having a guest blogger write next week's blog.

Thanks for reading.

To Ben!  Cheers!

"THE BACHELOR" 01/11/2016: EPISODE 2

I chose to watch the CFP National Championship last night instead of watching The Bachelor.  I know, I know.  If one of these chicks showed that lack of commitment to Ben, I would be angry as all Hell.  So it's Tuesday and I am watching The Bachelor.  Another two hour long The Bachelor.

(CAUTION: THERE ARE SOME SWEAR WORDS IN THIS POST.  SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ) 

It's time for Ben and 21 ladies, who managed to survive last week's first cut, to take the next step toward the Final Rose!  What number of these girls were once Psychology majors, at some point during their enrollment, in college?  I am putting the over/under at 17.   It would only make sense.  Girls major in Psychology for two reasons: either to get their Masters or to figure out their own problems.  The pinnacle of this phenomenon is when you find a girl who is actually crazy and is getting her actual Masters in Psychology.  I dated one of these once.  It was the strangest 15 months of my life.  To put it into perspective, it is like dating Lace times a hundred for twenty four hours, seven days a week.  Moving on...

ABC has some serious balls making this show two hours.  Do people really watch two hours of this?  I checked the guide for next week, too.  IT'S TWO HOURS ALSO!  Enough with the length of the show, let's get into the depth.  Will any of my original favorites (Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, or Olivia) make the cut, is Lace as much of a psychotic, fucking drunk that last Monday portrayed her to be, why is Mandi the Peculiar Dentist, Tiarra the Chicken Enthusiast, or Maegan the Cowgirl on this show still?

I am going to stick to what I intended to do.  Find Ben love.  So, ABC, as much as you try to irritate me with your two hour farce, I am loyal to Ben and this blog.

All right, Ben, let's separate the bride to be from the wannabes.

Show starts off with confessionals from Leah and the Twins and already I am annoyed.  I am going to give Leah a pass for the hiking the ball first impression thing.  I will not budge on disliking the Twins.  But wait, Lace admits that the first night she may have gotten a little drunk and emotional.  The first step, Lace, is admitting you have a problem.  The real problem, Lace, is that you sound hungover and can't stop talking about wanting to make out with Ben.

GROUP DATE!!!

9:59:  So 10 chicks are fighting to be Ben's Homecoming Queen at Bachelor High.  They break up into teams of 2.  They teams will be eliminated after each "class".

SCIENCE CLASS
"The first four teams to make Ben's volcano explode move on," Host Chris says.  I get it.  The volcano symbolizes Ben's penis.  Jubilee and Lace are out.  Jubilee better sleep with one eye open tonight.

LUNCH CLASS
Now we are bobbing for apples and making comments about who has a big mouth or who can use it well.

GEOGRAPHY
These idiots don't know where Indiana belongs on a map.

GYM CLASS
Time for basketball.  This is worse than watching a 6th grade gym class awkwardly trying to square dance.  Mandi and Amber win a free throw contest

There can only be one winner and they are going to settle it on the track.  Mandi and Amber have to run a knee high hurdle race to win the contest.  Mandi runs barefoot.  Of course she does.  "Mandi absolutely dominated this race," says Ben.  Mandi is the Bachelor High Homecoming Queen.   Barf.

I seriously rewound the Bachelor High portion of the show 4 times to find it's relevance.  I still can't.  The only REAL relevance I can find is if it was to fill up a two hour show.

20:03:  Back from commercial for the rest of the group date.  Becca strikes first to grab Ben.  Lace is still talking about being not being crazy.

Becca can straight up ball.  I think she could take Ben in a game of "HORSE".  Becca is going to go far in this show.

22:36: Ben goes in for a kiss with Jennifer and totally lands it.  Jennifer is very excited about it.  So excited that she forgot to lie to Lace when Lace asked, "Did you kiss?"  Now Jubilee is safe from the wrath of Lace and Jennifer is #1 on Lace's "PEOPLE TO MURDER TODAY" list.

23:50: Back at the Bachelor Mansion.  The girls are super excited for a date card.  Especially, Olivia. Not because she may have special date with Ben but because she heard she was a finalist to be cast as Janice in the live action Muppets movie based on "Dr. Tooth and The Electric Mayhem".

25:24: Lace asks for some alone time with Ben.  My heart is pounding.  This girl is nuts.  She is delusional.  I think she is more sane when she is drunk.   Lace says, "We are just making eye contact galore.  I mean we are almost eye bleeped (fucking)!"  Jubilee interrupts the couple.  Jubilee leaps to the top of Lace's murder list.

34:00:  Lace has a drink in her hand, thank goodness, and asks for another minute with Ben by saying, "Im not crazy.  I just need one more minute."  The group is turning on Lace.

36:18:  Ben takes JoJo to Heli-Pad and discloses, "This is my special location."  In translation: "This is the furthest spot away from Lace and I am pretty sure she does not know where it is.  If she does, let's pray together that she has a fear of heights."

38:20:  JoJo gets the Special Rose (no clue what this is really called) and becomes #2 on Lace's murder list.

34:37:  Caila is the recipient of the the first one on one date with Ben.  In walks Chris with a special announcement.  Chris called in a couple of friends (Sure.  Chris totally hangs with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart) to go on the date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2".  In case you are wondering why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" are here, their movie premieres this week.  I am sure ABC has some money in the studio producing the film.

This date is a prime example of why these relationships don't work after filming.  Let's fast forward 7 months and say Caila wins the Final Rose.  Anytime time Ben will suggest Olive Garden for dinner, Caila will remind him about their first date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube from "Ride Along 2" and say, "What happened to us?  We used to be so fun.  Remember when we totally kicked it with Kev and Cube?  Text them.  See what they are doing tonight."

Did I mention that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were in "Ride Along 2" and premiering this Friday?  Felt like I needed to because ABC only did it 13 times and 13 is unlucky.

61:19:  I don't know who Amos Lee is.  Apparently, Ben LOVES him.

GROUP DATE #2 SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS

69:24:  "I don't know much about science." "I'm not very smart." -Twins.

71:12:  Smell test.  Ben says Samantha smells sour.  Doctor compares her to Chinese food.  Passing the bar might be easier than battling back from this scientific smell assessment.

76:21:  Olivia scored 7.45 from the experiments.  I really like her confessionals.  She is confident and funny.

83:49:  "I am one lucky man," declares Ben.  The one on one montage is fantastic.  I like Ben.  I want to go bowling with him.

Now he is so cool about Amanda's kiddos (his words, not mine).  He is the best.  Whoever the chick is that didn't pick him in "The Bachelorette" does not deserve happiness.

Olivia gets The Group Date Rose (thanks Olivia for naming it for me).

98:23:  COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY

"So now I'm done.  Now everybody have at it and I hope that you can respect that," says Olivia confidently.  I really, really like her confidence.  It makes me laugh.

"It's the unstoppable force versus the immovable object!" Lace takes Olivia aside to talk to her.  As usual, Lace makes no sense and Olivia gives no fucks.

Now Lace is pouring her heart out to Ben about being awkward at the age of 13.  As if nobody was ever awkward at the age of 13.  I hope they give her more Chardonnay.  Please, please give her more Chardonnay for the Rose Ceremony!

Back from commercial, Ben gives Lauren the flight attendant a special gift.  My initial Top 3 are looking good.

Amanda says she didn't know how to react when Ben said he wanted to make berets with Amanda for her daughters.  Her non-verbal reaction was to jump his bones.

After commercial break, is Rose Ceremony.  Going to do my best to follow along.

Amanda is first
Jubilee is next
Lauren B the flight attendant is next (YES)
Leah will you accept this rose?
Becca will you accept this rose?
Rachel.  Who?  Was she in this episode?
Lace.  What the fuck?  Did the producers make him pick her?
L.B. will you accept this rose? **DRAMA**  L.B. is pulling out of the competition.  I am hoping LC from "The Hills" takes her place.
Jennifer will you accept this rose?
Emily will you accept this rose?
Jamie will you accept this rose?
Lauren H. will you accept this rose?
Sushanna will you accept this rose?
Hailey will you accept this rose?
FINAL ROSE...
Amber will you accept this rose?

Smelly Samantha and Peculiar Mandi are out.  I guess the Chicken Girl and the Miniature Pony Girl got cut last week but they didn't show it.  The editing is hard to follow on this show.

So they Twins and Lace are still in The Bachelor Mansion.  My initial Top 3 are still looking good.  Becca is creeping up into the mix.  I am hoping to finally get one of these blogs done on an actual Monday next week.

Thanks for reading.  See you next week!

"THE BACHELOR" 01/04/2016: SEASON PREMIERE

I didn't realize that Tifani watched the season premiere of "The Bachelor" already when I posted we were going to watch it together.  This is not an uncommon thing when we watch shows together, sometimes she forges on to an episode without me.  Heaven forbid I do the same.  She is going to be a trooper, though, and watch it again with me.  Here we go!

2:17:  Meet Ben Higgins! He is just a regular guy from Indiana who shoots hoops on a barn like Jimmy Chitwood from "Hoosiers".  Nice stereotype, ABC!

3:36:  Elementary and high school shots, movie theaters, and Grand Marshal of high school homecoming parade.  "Isn't this incredible!"  Ben is kind of a tool.

6:00:  Time to meet Mr. & Mrs. Higgins.  I like them.  They have been married 30 plus years and are great role models for Ben.  Notice that they don't live on a farm but on a lake.

First commercial break: DEAR LORD HE IS ALREADY IN McDONALD'S COMMERCIAL? HE GETS TO DATE 25 GIRLS AND GETS A COMMERCIAL! Note that The Hopper did not jump over this commercial.

11:40:  Time to meet "The Bachelor" alum and totally bro out. A lot of nodding when another bro talks.

Next commercial break.  Preview of twins and some chicks from previous "The Bachelor".  Also, ABC spoils that there might be drama.

19:55:  Time to meet the women hoping to marry Ben!

Lauren, 25.  Flight attendant.  Beach girl.  Cute.  Tif doesn't like her face.

Caila, 24.  Software sales rep.  Dumped her boyfriend because she had butterflies for Ben when she saw him on TV.  Might be crazy.  Nice smile.

Jubilee, 24.  War veteran.  Seems intimidating.  I feel like she could break the military female perception.

Mandi, 28.  Dentist.  Embraces the weird.  I am not a fan.

"I'm Emily!"  "And I'm Hailey!" *in unison "And we're twins!"  Ugh.  "I'm Jay. And I hate you both.  Equally!"

Amanda, 25.  Estihetician.  2 daughters.  Divorced.  Seems nice.

Tierra, 27.  Chicken enthusiast.  Nope.  She's gone.  Hopefully Ben sends her home right away so she isn't away from her chickens for more than 10 days.

Samantha, 26.  Recent law school grad.  Nothing jumps out for Samantha.  Sad ALS story, though.  Tifani does not care for Samantha.

Back from last commercial.  Ben is going to meet these women.  Heart to heart with the host.  Neither Tif nor I know who this guy is.  Ben goes in for a hug.  Ben is growing on me.  I don't think he is a tool anymore.

LIMO TIME:

Lauren the flight attendant is out.  Ben says, "That's a great start."

Caila comes out and jumps in his arms.  Caila is an early favorite.

New girl, Jennifer, 25.  Small business owner.  Forgets to tell Ben her name.

Jami, Bartender, 23.  From Canada.  Name drops Katelynn.  I assume thats the girl who broke Ben's heart.

Sam comes out and tells him she just passed the bar.  Drops an awful "Boxer or legal briefs?" pickup line.  Who writes this?

Jubilee comes out.  Ben says, "Like that dress!" After stumbling over pickup lines she tells him an awful one about the dress.  Can't they stop at, "Hi! Nice to meet you?"

Amanda just says "Nice to meet you." Thank you.

New girl comes out.  Lace, 25.  Real Estate Agent.  Goes in and gets first kiss.

New girl.  Lauren, 26.  Math teacher.  Stalks Ben on social media.  RED FLAG!  And she forgets to tell Ben her name.

New girl.  Shushanna, 27.  Mathematician.  Speaks to Ben in Russian.  I think this is a great first impression.

New girl.  Leah, 25.  Event planner.  What!?  What is going on?  Did she just bend over in a gown and hike a football at him?  "I knew you were a catch"????  Just throw him the football.  RED FLAG.

Tif and I both groan as a unicorn head comes out of the limo.  New girl.  JoJo, 24.  Real Estate Developer.  RED FLAG.

Lauren H., 25.  Kindergarten Teacher.  Brings Ben dead flowers from a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  Ben is too patient with these people, in my opinion.

Laura "Red Velvet", 24.  Account Executive.  She seems nervous.  Could pull off an Emma Stone look, maybe.  Not now.

Mandi the peculiar dentist comes out with a big rose on her head.  RED FLAG.  I am not a Mandi fan.

44:27:  A scene with the girls all together.  Foreshadowing of bitchiness to come.

Back to the limos, the Twins come out before commercial break.

47:40:  Back from commercial and we get a confessional with Red Velvet saying, "I was hoping there would be one ugly person.  I have yet to see an ugly individual."  Apparently Red Velvet has never seen the movie Rounders.  The movie opens with the line, "Listen, here's the thing.  If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table.  Then you are the sucker."

I just realized that we are almost an hour into this show.  Which means I just realized this show is 2 hours long.  Is it always 2 hours long?  Dear Lord, I hope not.

New girl comes walking up with miniature horse, Huey. Maegan, 30.  Cowgirl.  RED FLAG.  Congratulations, Red Velvet!  You got your wish!

New girl.  Breanne, 30.  Nutritional therapist.  "Gluten is Satan.  Let's be honest."  Literally, breaks bread.  RED FLAG.

New girl.  Izzy, 24.  Graphic designer.  "I had to find out if you were the onesy for me."  RED FLAG.

Time to bring up that they keep showing short confessionals of Lace being sort of catty.  Tifani tells me to hold on and that it gets worse.

New girl.  Rachel, 23.  Unemployed.  Comes out in a hover board.  All I scream at the TV is, "Please blow up.  Please blow up."  Tifani tells me to be nice.

New girl.  Jessica, 23.  Accountant.  She seems nice.  Ben looks like he likes her, too.

Tiarra comes out without a chicken.  She actually looks decent.

LB, 23.  Fashion Buyer.  I like her.  She has a genuine thing about her.

Jackie, 23.  Gerontologist.  I thought the "Save the Date" card was a nice touch.  So did, Ben.

New girl.  Olivia, 23.  News anchor.  Ben calms her down her nerves.  Nice talk about dimples.  I have dimples.

56:19:  Host, Chris Harrison (I googled it), talks with Ben.  Ben has no doubt the future Mrs. Higgins is in the house.  There is no doubt I am exhausted at this point.  Need to take a break from this.

** I had to resume this blog the next day.  I didn't know it was 2 hours. 

60:21:  LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLE!!!  We are in the house and all the girls are convinced Ben is the hottest man in America.  Did Lauren, the social media stalker, just call Lace a stalker for doing the same thing?  Pot meet kettle.

62:34: Mandi just interrupted Ben and stole him away from the group of ladies. These girls are appalled.  It was pretty rude. Not nearly as shocking, though, as when she breaks out the dental tools to check to see if he flosses so she can determine if he is kissable.  It was brutal to watch.

At this point, there are too many girls talking to Ben and I can't keep track.  They either have a life story to share, tell him how attractive he is, or have a funny to story to make him laugh.

66:36:  A NEW LIMO!  THE BACHELOR TWIST!  Two girls are returning for a second shot at love.  Becca and Amber.  Tif has nicknamed Becca, "40 year old virgin".  Shocker- the girls in the house are PISSED about the twist.

74:15:  Lace asks for another glass of wine.  She needs a glass of water.

76:00:  Lace interrupts Jubilee and Ben and gets her one on one time.  She is a hot mess.  She tried to get another kiss and Ben shot her down!  He is doing a great job explaining himself and then, SNAP!  Mandi comes and grabs him.  Tension is thick in The Bachelor Mansion.  Lace is not happy.  And she is not sober.

78:04:  Ben goes to find Lace to explain himself and why he doesn't want to get physical.  This Ben guy, I swear.  I think I am getting a crush.  Anyway, Lace turns it into a thing about how he singled her out, how much he adores, and how confident she is getting a rose.  I wish he would have also told her to dry up.  Lace is making Mandi look good.

81:04:  Chris delivers a single rose, thus causing more drama.  This single rose, I am told, is a first impression rose and guarantees security.

88:25:  Ben asks for Olivia.  He digs her story and offers her the First Impression Rose.  Good call, Ben, good call.  I totally approve.  Do you know who doesn't approve?  Lace.  She is angry that he didn't look her in the eye.  It is at this point that Tif and I agree that Lace is a cross between Cecily Strong's SNL Weekend Update "The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with" and Laurel from multiple "MTV's The Challenge".

And Caila drops the, "She (Lace) is 50 Shades of Crazy."  She is becoming my favorite.

The Rose Ceremony Time:  I tried to write during this.  I swear I tried.  I just couldn't. I kept my hands over my mouth the whole time.  This was so nerve racking.  I agreed with all of Ben's picks except for the Twins, Mandi (except for when she pushed Lace out of the way. Respect.), and Lace.

Wait.  Did he really keep The Chicken Enthusiast and the Cowgirl?  ABC didn't show him giving either of those two a rose, did they?  Never mind.  Drunk, crazy Lace is back.  "I just want to talk to you.  You weren't looking at me."  This girl is cray, cray.  Ben is getting angry.

"I have a feeling the drama is just getting started."  Not only is Ben good looking, he is really, really smart, too.

WAIT! THERE IS AN AFTER SHOW! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!

Season previews are filled with a lot of "I love you"s, kisses, and tears.

All right, Ben let's find you Miss Right.  I am in.

Here are my 3 for Ben.  In order of how they appeared on the show.  Lauren the flight attendant, Caila, and Olivia.

See you next week.

THE BIRTH OF REALITY TV AND THE BACHELORIZATION OF IT

Tifani and I, like most Americans I know, just finished "Making a Murderer" on Netflix.  She immediately stated, "We need a new show to watch."  I thought of the many shows that were coming back on TV after Holiday breaks that we could watch together but realized that she doesn't watch as much crappy TV as I.  We had finished "Scream Queens" and I don't know what to make of this season's "American Horror Story", so I was at a loss of what we could look forward to watching together.

Then, after reviewing my Facebook timeline on Monday, I got an idea.  I texted Tif: "How about we watch the Bachelor?"  She must have thought I was drunk but she agreed.

I have never watched an episode of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette".  I do know that A LOT of people do and they will state their allegiance to a particular person on social media.  Here is what else I know about the show from reading People magazine covers, while waiting in line at the grocery store: there is a rose involved, rarely does the couple get married, there was a fat guy from a "The Bachelorette" show who went on to be a "The Bachelor" contestant when he lost weight, there was a "The Bachelor" from Iowa, and the last "The Bachelorette" was kind of slutty.

I do, like I wrote earlier, watch a lot of crappy TV.  A lot.  Thank goodness for the The Hopper.  But I watched bad TV before The Hopper.  That includes reality TV.  In my opinion, reality TV started with an inception and a beginning.

The inception would be MTV's 1992 "Real World" (aka "Real World: New York Season 1).  Eric, Julie, Heather, Andre, Norman, Becky, and Kevin had me watching and taping this show every Thursday night because I wanted to see EXACTLY what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

Now, MTV broke some ground here.  But they were really just flirting with the idea that maybe we could get more viewers if they cut out the videos and just showed tons of reality crap.  They wouldn't adopt this philosophy for nearly ten years.  It doesn't matter how you look at it, The Real World has it's place on the Mt. Rushmore of Reality TV.  Network TV wasn't getting into the idea of reality TV just yet, unless it was "Cops".  Speaking of cops, that will lead us into the beginning of reality TV.

The beginning of reality TV came in the years of 1994 and 1995.  "The OJ Chase and The OJ Trial" is when the networks now understood that they could put unpaid people on TV and still get sponsorship.  Ask anyone in their late 30s and they can tell you exactly where they were during The Chase and The Verdict of OJ Simpson. (Side note: CAN NOT WAIT FOR FX's "THE PEOPLE VS OJ SIMPSON IN FEBRUARY!  CAN'T WAIT!)

Let's fast forward through reality TV and into the reality TV game show.  I was never into "The Gong Show" when I was little, so I don't watch these shows.  Unless there is gambling involved.  So I have only watched "Big Brother", "The Voice", and "MTV's The Challenge".  I am guilty of being in fantasy leagues of all 3.

I have only seen the very first episode of "American Idol" and the first episode of "Survivor".  I thought Simon Cowell was mean and "Survivor" was boring.  I don't watch "The Amazing Race", "The X Factor", "America's Got Talent", etc.  I just don't like them.  So it threw Tifani for a loop when I suggested "The Bachelor".

I explained to her that I wanted to live blog my reaction to the show.  She told me that Howard Stern and Jason Biggs did something similar.  I don't listen to Stern or read Biggs so I don't consider anything I write to be plagiarism.  So together, we are going to catch up on Monday's "The Bachelor", thanks to The Hopper on Dish.  I am going to write my immediate reactions, go back briefly to edit, and then post.  I will try to do the same every Monday night during the season.  Please feel free to comment on Facebook or on the blog.